Alive and Well and Living in Absentia

Comrade Autumn

2007-03-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

Despite the fact that I have not slept since yesterday afternoon and cannot feel most of my extremities, I've had a pretty darn good day. 24 hours even. I feel that if I were to instigate an uprising today, I would have followers. This could just be the sleep deprivation talking though. Or maybe I hit my head while pole-dancing last night?

Thank god it's not a leap year.

2007-02-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

I believe that February is the most sentimental of months. And I believe that sentimentality is the most dangerous of emotions. You can cry and rage and scream and fight and love and feel silly. But with sentimentality... it's almost worse than regret because it makes you wish for something, to have something back that you can never have. It's like a sense of false hope that leads you to believe that the good you once had is somehow possible to hold on to. And that memory is enough to hold on to it. Sentimentality does not take into account the impossible. And that's just depressing as hell.

Tomorrow I plan to bake cookies and spend the afternoon drinking ice wine and watching porn bloopers with someone who will make me laugh. And I will count down the days until this goddamn month is over.

Party like it's 1996

2007-01-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

Happy new year people. My 2007 is off to a slow and agonizing start. Christmas came and went. I worked throughout and my heart just wasn't in it. I didn't even put up my decorations or tree. Which is weird for me. I also didn't go home for the holidays - first time in 25 years. Which is also weird for me. But it was quiet in a good way. Except on Christmas eve when I started calling bars to see if any of them were open. (I've been reading a lot of Bukowski lately.)

Best gift: my Rolling Stones ticket -framed in black suede and red metal - so hot!
Most practical gift: a stack of cardboard boxes and a moving dollie.

Best intentions for a gift: I was going to give my mum a framed picture of me from the staff Christmas party - I'm so rarely in a dress and all done up, I thought she'd like it. However, it has been established that I am a vampire and do not actually appear on film. No one has a picture of me! I even put a notice up in the staff room! I remember posing for a million photos... where did they all go?! I'm hoping that people are just being reluctant to give up their pix because they have all devoted a shrine to me... but in all honesty, I'm usually the goofy looking one in photos - my coworkers might just be sparing my feelings? Meh.

I was really looking forward to New Year's OH! CAT! JESUS!

I'll get back to new year's in a second! The funniest thing just happened! This afternoon around 3pm I was packing some things up and loading them into my truck to take over to my new place. I had my apartment door open and a little orange cat ran past me down the hallway. I thought it might have gone into my apartment, but I looked everywhere and couldn't find it, so I thought it had just run back upstairs. All afternoon I've been snuffling away and sneezing and coughing. and Jazz is sniffing at the tv of all godforsaken things and I can't figure out why. At supper time, a note was slid under my door asking if anyone had seen a cat in the building, it was missing from an upstairs apartment. Now here it is - 8:30 at night and I'm on the phone and I keep hearing this squeaking noise. At first I thought it was just the humidifier, but I glance over at the tv and there's a little head staring at me - squeaking. The damn thing had been in my apartment all day! And I hate cats! And it peed on my floor! Silly bastard. Scared the bejesus out of me. Thought I was going mental.

Ok. Enough distractions. Back to New Year's. I planned on doing nothing. Go to bed early. Wake up and fly out to Los Angeles to meet my mum and sister in Anaheim. We were going to stay at the Disneyland Paradise Piers Hotel! And go to Disneyland! This was supposed to be MY Christmas break. I'd worked hard all December. I was really looking forward to going. 7:30pm on New Year's Eve, my brother calls to inform me that he wasn't able to take care of Jazz. I scramble for the next hour trying to find someone to take him for the next 4 days - but no luck. It's a holiday, so no kennels are open - not that I could afford one anyway. So I call Mum and Alex to let them know I won't be going after all. I'm so incredibly disappointed. My brother does this to me all the time. Leaves things to the very last second, so I'm stuck. This was one thing I was really, really looking forward to, I needed the break, it was all I could talk about for weeks. And instead, I spend it picking up shifts at work because I have nothing better to do.

So, New Year's Eve I went on a high school flashback rampage. Met some friends at a bar, drank way too much, made out with some random guy on the dance floor, passed out in the cab going home, crashed on a friend's couch and puked at Phil's Diner the next morning. Top of the Pops, Autumn. I've been sulking ever since. Of course my whole evening was well documented. I can't find pictures of me looking nice at the Christmas party, but if you'd like to see me passed out or making out with said dance floor guy, join the ranks of most of my coworkers - most of whom have seen these photos of shame. I gave the dance floor guy my phone number with every intention of avoiding his phone calls, now it's three days later and I'm all depressed that he hasn't called! I didn't even want him to call in the first place! I guess I'm looking for some sort of vindication. Ahh... to be 15 again.

I shouldn't exaggerate so much though. The whole night wasn't a complete waste. I met a friend of a friend who had brought his deaf girlfriend with him. She was really nervous because it is so hard for her to communicate with people. She was so stoked when I told her I knew sign language! We actually had a whole conversation in sign language and I interpreted for the others- it was really rad. The next best thing about New Year's was that the proceeds went to a good cause. The Animal Rescue Foundation (ARF) made the money off the evening, which made me feel a lot better than paying for some chick to get her boobs done at some skeezy night club. So it all works out in the end.

I've spent my week stuck here in Calgary working and starting to move to the new place. Choosing to move over a month is the best decision I have ever made. I'm really going to miss my apartment and this neighborhood, but it's way too expensive. It'll be a sea-change going from here to what basically is a basement suite in the hood, but I'll adjust. It's got a lot of positives - it's close to work, I don't have to pay for laundry, I have a dishwasher (you have no idea how stoked I am about this - I have never had a dishwasher!), and a fireplace. It's two bedrooms and 1 and a half bathrooms for about half what I am paying now, so I think this will be worth it in the long run. I won't feel like I'm living in a shoebox anymore. Jazz the Amazing Wonder Weiner Dog is super-stoked about the huge backyard. I think he's already marked his territory like 5 times over! There's a huge firepit, I can't wait to have people over in the summer! I feel like I've really lucked out.

That's about all the excitement for now, this week Peter Hook from New Order is in town. Hopefully I can make the show. I would love to hear him play "Temptation". And Van Morrison is coming in the spring! How rad would that be?! But I digress, time for bed. Oh yeah! And a big welcome to the world to my newest little friend Jackson Hartley Fox! I can't wait to meet you!

Things I have learned in the past 24 hours:

2006-12-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

1. Should I ever get the notion to wear high heels again - I might as well start practicing the traditional art of foot binding instead.

2. Office Christmas parties are just like the motherfucking prom. And that's not a good thing.

And now for your moment of zen...

2006-12-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

#4 in the red.
(It's Doyle, not Doyal.)
I'm not altogether sure who won this fight,
but I swear this does not run in the family...

That kid is BACK on the escalator!

2006-12-07T15:36:00.000-07:00

I can't fugging stand days like this - when it is my my only day off from the airport and they just NEED me to come into the bookstore - but when I get here there are the employee to customer ratio is approximately 4 to 0.5 - why do I need to be here?! I've retreated to my dungeon and I should do some paperwork. But I finally have shit to rant about so I might as well blog instead. I realize it's been a lifetime since I wrote last. But Telus and I are having a love-hate relationship and whenever I think about something clever to write, my internet goes down. Fuckers.

Anyhoo... there is a girl I work with at the airport who is friendly and a hard worker and generally pleasant to be around. But whenever a guest brings a dog in a kennel to be checked onto the aircraft, she insists on chatting with the dog for ages until the baggage handlers come and pick the kennel up. Obviously we're not allowed to take the dog out of the kennel, but she is constantly stick her fingers through the wire doors of the kennels - I guess so the dog will lick her fingers instead of getting all antsy in the kennel. I have absolutely nothing against this girl, but damn if I don't want every dog that comes through to chow down on one of her fingers. I'm not generally a sadistic person, so obviously this says quite a bit about my subconscious... it's nothing personal, I just think it's stupid to stick your fucking fingers into some random dog's kennel - especially when that dog is already pissed off that he's stuck in the fucking thing and about to be put in the belly of an aircraft for 3 hours. Alright, I'm an asshole. I get it. But if I get to learn my lessons the hard way, why can't everyone else?

It was good to get that out of my system. It's been bothering me all week.

Now onto more pressing issues: this weekend is my first ever major corporate Christmas party. I feel like I'm going to the fucking prom, everyone is so worked up about it! One can't help but obsess. I'm pretty sure I've got the high heel thing down now - unless it's all slippery cement in the Telus Convention Centre - then I'm screwed. I might as well bring crutches with me! Can anyone out there in blog land tell me the secret to applying eyeliner? Preferably so I don't stab myself in the retina? My cousin had to bail at the last minute - she was going to help me through all of my wardrobe, makeup and hair malfunctions - so now I'm going to be left to my own devices. Which - if you know me - you will know is not a good thing. Meh. As long as I'm not groped by some skeezy bigwig I'll be happy. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers on Saturday night. Ha ha!

Speaking of which - a coworker has got this great plan to set me up with one of her brother's friends - which sounded like a swell idea. Until she told me that he's studying to be a pastor. Christ. Now there's an accident waiting to happen! Could you imagine?! I dated a really religious guy once, I always felt so guilty because I thought I was such a bad influence on him - literally every night I would come home from seeing him and throw up. This is what happens when you are raised into Christianity - no matter whether you believe it or not anymore, you will ALWAYS FEEL GUILTY FOR EVERYTHING. I've said it once and I'll say it again. Fuckers.

I seem to be plagued by religion this week. Another coworker actually asked if I would like a "Keep the Christ in Christmas" sign to put on my lawn. Thankfully I don't have a lawn. What is it about me that seems to need saving?! I realize that I'm going to Hell in a handbasket, but can't someone be happy that I've just accepted that and therefore we can all move on? I just finished reading "Kensington Gardens" a novel by Rodrigo Fresan. In it, there is a character that says that the best decision a person can make in life is to sell their soul to the devil when they are a child. That way they get the best price for it. And an interesting life because they won't ask for the most mundane of exchanges.

Let us drop the subject of my eternal damnation for now. I'm much more interested in talking about this goddamn book - which is my official selection for the year of 2006. It (Kensington Gardens) has even knocked "Black Swan Green" by David Mitchell into 2nd place. I loathe people who mark pages and underline sentences in books. But this novel is overflowing with the most agonizingly fantastic prose - I've marked up the whole damn thing. It's the story of J.M. Barrie and Peter Pan, as told by a famous modern day children's book author. It is just so fucking good... I feel as though I should carry it with me all the time. I hope, I hope, I hope that more of his novels are translated into English soon.

Highlight of my week thus far: receiving a cooler full of deer and moose meat. Ironically from the same coworker who offered me the Jesus sign. I had no problem taking the meat. Apparently I look like I need to be saved and fattened up.

I wish it felt more like Christmas. Maybe because I'm not working in the bookstore so much this year - I don't get to hear the music or see the lights so often. I haven't even put my tree up yet. I'm not going home this year - which is fine with me, I'm almost looking forward to being on my own, but I'd hate for Christmas to become just another day of the week.

Ugh. 2 more hours. I'm soooooo bored. I just can't be left to my own devices for this long. Let's see if I can figure out how to post a YouTube video on here...

Oh no you didn't!

2006-11-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

So Ralph Klein has decided to call down the thunder,
well he's gonna get burned.
This Saskatchewan rodent is gonna stick it to Ralph the Dog.
GO RIDERS!!!

And now for my next trick... it's the incredible shrinking kidney!

2006-11-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

Alright, the rage has gone. The past few days have been pretty quiet and controversy free. For Halloween I dressed up as Bunny the Badly Dressed Golf Pro. Not very original, I know, but my first idea didn't pan out. I was going to glue half of a golf ball to my forehead, but finding half a golf ball is harder than I thought. And I have since learned that trying to saw round objects in half is never a good idea. So there you go. It was nice to be polyester-free for one day at work. No trick or treaters came around the apartment, which was sad, but sort of expected. I spent my evening researching children's gulags in Russia. Titilating stuff.

Two pieces of news have caught my eye this week. First, Gainer the Gopher is not allowed in McMahon stadium at Sunday's football game. The Stamps are one of the few CFL teams that does not allow the visiting team to bring their mascots to games. Even playoff games. Their reasoning? Because Sunday's game will be a 50/50 split of Riders and Stamps fans, Gainer the Gopher would likely incite a riot of some sort between the two. Because afterall, if his "DE" and "Fence" signs aren't a call for reckless violence to begin, I'm not sure what is. It appears that the Stamps feel that Rider fans are just a bunch of soccer hooligans in disguise - with a plush gopher as their ringleader. The Stamps also claimed that they didn't want Gainer to take the attention away from their own mascot - Ralph the Dog. I for one have never even seen Ralph the Dog at a Stamps game, and I've never known exactly what the symbolism of Ralph is. They've got the chick who rides around the stadium on the horse - where does Ralph fit in? I'm pretty sure the Stamps aren't a bunch of renegade Liberals and Ralph is actually a stab at Ralph Klein. (Although that would be hilarious.) Since all this Gainer furor has begun, the Stamps have since clarified that Gainer is not actually banned from McMahon Stadium, he just has to buy a seat like every other Rider fan. I will be glad to save him a seat.

In other news, Ralph Klein has purchased himself a $2.5 million dollar chair at Mount Royal College. In the media department no less. Because nothing increases the integrity of a post-secondary institution like having:
a) a politician running the media studies program
b) a man who has never graduated from a post-secondary institution teach at one
c) a man who reportedly plagiarized an entire term paper a few years back when he took a college-level course.

All I can say is thank god it's not the Justice Studies program he's taking the chair in - I would simply have to drop out. And live in a van by the river. Eating government cheese.

There is nothing I enjoy more than spending 3-4 hours in a waiting room.

2006-10-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

What kind of asshole nurse tells you that you have "bad blood" and you have to wait an entire weekend to see your doctor to find out exactly what that means, only to discover that there was nothing wrong with your blood in the first place after spending the entire fucking evening in a waiting room to see said doctor and receive said results?

Healthcare in this province is going to Hell in a handbasket.

2006-10-27T17:21:00.000-06:00

What kind of asshole medical receptionist tells you ON A THURSDAY that you have (and I quote) "bad blood" and that the doctor will not be able to talk to you about it until MONDAY?!?! It's not like I have an overactive imagination or anything. So I'll just stew in my bad blood the whole damn weekend. Bastards.

Mr. Livingstone, I presume? (In other news...)

2006-10-25T21:38:00.000-06:00

You know what's fun? Family photos. Especially the ones they put on Christmas cards. You know what's even more fun? When these factors are involved:

Said photos are taken at Wal-Mart. By a kid. Who is 14.
When said cameraman/boy asks if we want to "wear hats".
3 out of the 5 persons who are being photographed are hungover. Well, 3 will admit to being hungover. Incredibly, incredibly hungover.
When a 24 year old man is asked to "straddle" his 20 year old brother.
When a 20 year old man is asked to "straddle" his 24 year old brother.
When, in a fit of exasperation, the cameraman/boy asks both brothers to "just squat."
When we are being told to look at the asshole of a stuffed frog and say "cheese".
When the oldest sibling in the family is told she is ruining the photos because she can't "stop smirking".
When the same oldest sibling is having hot-flashes, is feeling bloated, has bitten her tongue to a pulp to stop from laughing, and continuously has her request to include Santa's sleigh in the photo denied.

Jenn, Rus, I think the Foxes may have you beat in the Christmas card department this year. But we shall see.

My sister got a part in the Charlize Theron movie being filmed in Regina. The little cash cow even got a package in the mail from Charlize with a hand-written note and a tape recorder with American accent techniques on it. Alex will play a bossy, bitchy girl in an orphanage - which obviously is the role I was BORN to play... but no. Dennis Hopper, Ewan MacGregor, and Nick Stahl are also in the film. Alex said most of her scenes are with Ewan MacGregor. She said that if I could come up with a good Halloween costume idea for her that she would introduce me to Ewan. Apparently my suggestion of Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo was not "good enough" because now Alex is filing for a restraining order to keep me away from Ewan.

In other brushes with stardom, Rick Mercer was at the airport last week filming for the Mercer Report. And of course, they team him up with "the hot chick" at work. You know, the one who gave her 2 weeks notice and is waiting for the hell that is her job to end, the one who doesn't know who Rick Mercer is, the one who didn't think Rick Mercer was funny. Ugh. I was one gate away, television HISTORY could have been made! We could have been the next Canadian comic duo! We would have put Wayne and Schuster, and Bob and Doug Mackenzie to shame! We could have put out a Christmas album! But no. Once again my bright and shiny star has been swiped from under me. Maybe my co-workers at the Gap were right... maybe I am most likely to have my own cable access show. But damn it! If Wayne's World can make it, so can I!!!

It's no wonder I have stomach pains. Life is obviously too stressful. Next week I get to have an ultrasound - just to check on the progress of:
a) the second coming of Christ
b) Tom Cruise's real alien baby (Suri is just a ruse to fool the paparazzi)
c) the deteriorating condition of my ulcer. Hooray!

Yesterday I got my bottom braces put on. The orthodontal fun never stops around here. The whole process got off on a shaky start until the orthodontal assistant realized that I already have my top braces. I never realized how catastrophically crooked my teeth were until I got braces. I also never realized how much I grind my teeth - now I have these great metal plates molded onto my molars. Trying to eat is a real treat - Jazz and I seem to go about the same way these days. Just kind of toss it up, and hope the food will go sliding down the gullet. Too bad I've never been fond of oysters.

Shout out to baby Tiernan. Aunti Autumn loves you, but I wish you would stop vomiting your food everywhere. That way you can fit into the Motley Crue shirt I made for you. Skinny models are sooo out baby.

Looking forward to heading home in 2 weeks. Jen and Rus are having a partay. They say ping pong will be involved. I'm not sure if it's a no pants allowed party though? They keep bribing me by saying that some boy who lives with his parents and doesn't have his own telephone will be there and I simply HAVE to meet him. (Yeah, I'm sure he also has every Star Trek novel ever written. Eeeegh.) Personally I think it's just an excuse to play the fake plastic ponies that Rus keeps eyeing up whenever we scour the Casino Regina for this mystery man.

Oh. Who am I kidding? I'm intrigued. At this point in the game, I guess I kind of have to be. What with that Ewan restraining order and all.

I hate to leave you all hanging, but it's time I returned to my study of children's gulags in Russia. The fun, literally, never stops in the Dharma Bum's shoebox - I mean, apartment.

How I spent my summer vacation (Or, Autumn's Total Request Show-Down Hoedown)

2006-10-19T19:22:00.000-06:00

When I was a kid, we had this electric tin opener in our kitchen. It was a terrifying contraption and I'm surprised none of us kids managed to lose any fingers on it. (Seeing as we got into A LOT of mischief. Exploding microwaves and the like.) Anyhoo... it was olive green and I'm pretty sure that my mum never tossed the old death trap because most likely it was a wedding gift and my mum is sentimental like that. When I moved out at 17, the first thing I bought for my new home was a handheld tin opener. To this day I am not completely sure how to use it. The chaos and destruction that our beloved olive green electrical tin opener caused was unlike anything I've ever seen! It would dig into the lid and then tear the top third of the tin clear off! Zoodles would be everywhere! It was miraculous on so many damaging levels.

I had never seen anything even remotely resembling our beloved tin opener, that is, until this past summer.

When driving on Calgary roads in the summer, it is safe to assume two things:
1. Winnebago drivers are morons.
2. Winnebago drivers with Saskatchewan plates are the biggest morons of all.

Most days of mine go by without any distraught phone calls from friends in fender benders. Most of my LIFE will pass me by before I receive another phone call from a friend who is stuck in a Winnebago underneath a bridge. The underpass beneath the Centre St. bridge is terrifying. And small. Even Smart Car drivers wonder whether they are too big to make it through. It is that small. And by gum, my friend Rus thought that a winnebago could make through. But it can't, and as god is my witness, it didn't. Rus is not the first Saskatchewonian to attempt this, and certainly not the last, but when I pulled up to - what? 3 firetrucks?! 2 paddy wagons?! I could have died laughing. Now I know karma will strike me down dead for laughing at Rus that day, but man, for once in my life it wasn't me. And god knows I am a HORRIBLE driver. So that time when I was 14 and somehow managed to drive that 12th grader's car ONTO a pole at Douglas Park? This was karma saying... "yes, Autumn. You might as well laugh. You're probably due. Rus does indeed look like an ass right now."

So this is where my electric tin opener story fits in. Because not only was that damn winnebago stuck under the bridge, but the air conditioning unit was torn clean off. Like a mangled tin of zoodles. By the time the fire department and city workers had gotten the winnebago out, we were gathering up pieces of air condioner casing from the roof and the road. It was a sad state of affairs. And neither I, nor Jenn (Rus' accomplice in this fiasco, natch), nor the firefighters, cops, or city workers could stop laughing. Or at the very least smirking, so Rus would not go all hulk-like and start beating us all with air conditioner bits and screaming "THIS IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!!" (I'll be honest, the guy's a ball of rage. Jenn told me about their canoe trip 2 days later - he tried to "challenge" 2 little girls in another canoe. Totally crazy.)

Just kidding. Rus gets two thumbs up. He is crazy, but mostly because he thinks that riding a bike for 24 hours straight is a good idea. (Totally fucked in the head.) Anyhoo... in case you're wondering, karma got me back two days later when I fell down a hill and managed to get dirt in my underwear. Not quite the same thing, but the world does work in mysterious ways. If this was a radio show, Rus, I'd dedicate "Under the Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers to you.

My mum says I get "clunky" when I'm hungover.

2006-10-13T13:59:00.000-06:00

I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
I will never drink alcohol again.
Except on Remembrance Day.

Saskatchewan. Home of the Air Guitar.

2006-10-07T00:45:00.000-06:00

I feel like I'm going to ralph right now, so sleeping is out and blogging is in.

Autumn's Ultimate Classic Rock Weekend went pretty freaking well. QT Librarian was good enough to join me at the Who concert on Thursday night. Man, my socks have officially been rocked. Pete Townshend is a guitar GOD. I could watch him do the windmill for hours on end. And while Roger Daltrey now dances like a middle-aged white man (seeing as he is, in fact, a middle-aged white man) he absolutely fucking NAILED the scream in "Won't Get Fooled Again". The set list was killer and the new material is worth checking out for sure. When they started "Baba O'Reilly" I just about jumped out of my skin and then bit my own tongue off. Pete Townshend's brother Simon was on backing guitar, and Ringo Starr's son Zak was playing drums. The whole evening was electric and every bit as great as I hoped it would be. The cool thing about the show is that it was all recorded - so you can order the dvd or cd online and the proceeds completely go to children's charities. Which is a pretty rad concert souvenir when you think about it. In hindsight I now realize that it may have been a little embarassing to be seen in public with me last night. I am the epitome of the dorky fangirl at the Who show. Only disappointment? No autodestruction. Although Pete Townshend did bonk himself on the head with his guitar after the encore.

Tonight was the Rolling Stones show. Three Days Grace was opening - which sucked considering Halifax got Kanye West and Sloan. The stadium formerly known as Taylor Field was buzzing with people. About twenty minutes before the Stones came on, everyone was doing the wave and the place was so crowded that it looked totally surreal. The stage itself was HUGE - seven stories high, two of which were full of people. The Stones themselves looked like ants in comparison. It was totally insane to be there and actually see the Stones in concert, but obviously they are getting older and don't have the stamina to keep the intensity going for the whole show. I thought the set list was a little weak, and maybe if they had chosen a few of their more classic, energetic songs - maybe then the breaks between each song wouldn't have seemed quite so long. I mean, it was cool to see Keith Richards perform, but I could have done with fewer Keef vocal solos and more "Paint it Black". You know what I mean? But what do I know? They are 60 years old and they are rock stars. They can do whatever the fuck they want to. I'm just another dork in the crowd.

I've always been more of a Ronnie Woods fan myself, but I must say, Mick Jagger was looking dead sexy tonight. Absolutely no inhibitions - dancing and running around like he was 20 years old all over again. It was hysterical watching his bodyguards try to keep up with him as he ran up and down the catwalk. I would love to see the man do the Boston Marathon. Ronnie Woods (my Stones crush - even at 60) was in fine form tonight - phenomenal guitar solos - I think he may have been compensating a bit for Keith Richards who, while he's still got it, was looking a little shaky. In fact, at one point Keef was standing on the stage alone killing time before he began his two songs, and it almost looked like some poor old guy with dementia had wandered away from the care home and somehow wound up on stage at a Stones concert. It was bewildering to say the least. Poor fellow - thinks he's a monkey, he does.

While the Who managed to cover the majority of my favorites, the Stones fell a little short. They redeemed themselves by doing an encore in the form of "You Can't Always Get What You Want". Had they not performed that one song - the one song I had been waiting for all evening - I would have been crushed. It wouldn't have ruined my evening, but I'd feel like I was leaving the concert being owed something. (Like when I saw Radiohead - it was a life altering concert, but they didn't play "Fake Plastic Trees" or "High and Dry". It actually hurt my feelings.) Anyway, the fact that this was the encore song just about brought me to tears, however, I was trying to hold my supper down, so I refrained from crying if only out of fear that it would lead to other fluids escaping out of my facial orifices. (I realize this is a gross visualization, but I'm one of those people who always cry when they puke. And I just don't know why.)

Highlights of Autumn's Ultimate Classic Rock Weekend:

- People in sweater vests and cardigans smoking dope at the Who concert.
- Roger Daltrey asking people to smoke said dope outside because he is allergic.
- Mick Jagger proclaiming that "Regina rhymes with fun!"
- The number of people strumming their air guitars at the Stones. They could form their own political party based on the sheer volume of numbers. Their leader could be the guy sitting two rows down from me who looked like he should have a glass eye, when in fact he didn't.
-The guy next to me shouting out "PLAY HELTER SKELTER!!!" Hmmm... jump on the bandwagon much? You do know this is a Stones concert right? The Beatles broke up over three decades ago. This affirmed my sneaking suspicion that a whole lot of people in the stands were only in the stands because it would be lame to live in Regina and not go to the concert.
- The amount of Rolling Stones related advertisements and puns in the local media.
For example: "Brown Burger! (How come you taste so good?)"
This is an ad for a burger chain here in Regina. Who comes up with this shit?! And do they actually make a living at this? Unbelievable!
- The two Mormon missionaries who were on the evening news. They said that they had to pack it in for the Rolling Stones weekend. Yes boys, the devil has come to town.... and his name is Keith.

I'm pretty sure all this ranting is just the MSG talking. And the sarcasm is a nervous defence mechanism that kicks in right around family holiday get-together time.
It is now officially time to break out the jammy jams.
Keep on rocking in the free world.

Yay!

2006-10-04T19:16:00.000-06:00

My new favorite store!

Oregon is a blue state isn't it?

2006-09-24T20:06:00.000-06:00

Is it completely dorky to want to live here?

P.S. I promise to post an actual entry when I am finished moving. I swear!

Nevermind, we'll just call the whole thing off.

2006-08-30T16:09:00.000-06:00

Here's my horoscope for the week from the Onion:

While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbeque will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20 minute mark.

Ouch.

A little something I forgot to mention just now...

2006-08-29T19:50:00.000-06:00

Ping pong. Surprisingly enjoyable "sport". I like ping pong. I don't own a table or anything, but I'd choose ping pong over billiards if I had to. I even came in 2nd place in an elementary school ping pong tournament. (Thus living up to my Forrest Gump tag.)
However, get yourself a goddamn life if you feel the need to set up a ping pong table on your deck and then proceed to play one everlasting round robin tournament with YOUR ROOMMATE - morning, noon, and night.
I think having a ping pong table would be a great way to liven up a barbeque - invite a few friends over, have a campfire, play some pingpong... but constantly palying just one opponent... for three days straight?! It's weird. For god's sake at least make it interesting, would ya?!
Anyone up for strip ping pong?!

That is all.

JUST THE LORD!

2006-08-29T19:17:00.000-06:00

What a silly day today is. I was really hoping that it would rain today, if only to stop the dust from constantly blowing into my apartment, thus settling the bronchial rattling in my lungs. Maybe even the wheezing noise I am making would briefly pause. But no, it didn't rain, I still live by a dirt-filled construction site, in a hot little apartment with no air conditioning, where I keep the windows open all day and night, and the wheezing and death-rattling are still going strong.

I told Kelsey this story earlier today, but I'm still fond of the story, so I'll share it with the world. This morning I was working at the bookstore and a woman walks in and asks me why all of the pay phones have been ripped out of their booths in Kensington. Seeing as I generally take pay phones for granted, I neither knew nor cared what the answer to her question was. So I told her she should ask the person who ripped the phones out of the phone booths. She said she found it odd, and then left the store. So she didn't actually visit the store to buy books, no, she merely needed to ask me why the phones were ripped out. Because of course I would know. Especially since last night, in a sudden antibiotic-induced rage, I went and ripped out every pay phone in Kensington. I did this just so all those peons without cell phones would be lost and confused and forced to wander the earth in search of the last, great pay phone.
So I suppose it's a good thing she asked.

Also today in the store, I had a husband and wife in looking for books for their 12 year old son, who they described as "not a normal boy" and "not a brilliant boy" - so in 10 years time we will all know exactly who is up in the bell tower. Poor guy. He wasn't even there to defend himself. Then they said they wished he were a girl because then they could just get him Anne of Green Gables and be done with it. In the end they settled on a children's series by Rhea Perlman that is geared towards kids aged 7 and are learning to read their first "chapter books". Sweet Jesus. The boy is DOOMED. Parents make me cringe some days.

Anyhoo... I am traveling by train for the very first time on Thursday - from Los Angeles to San Diego. And I am THRILLED!!! I feel like Harry Potter!!! (I'll be the dork at Union Station walking into walls.) Right now I am reading an advanced reader's copy of Him Her Him Again The End of Him by Patricia Marx. It's a pretty silly little book, but it's got a blurb from Steve Martin o it, so it can't be all bad. I was just reading and thinking about going on a train when I came across this passage:

'... as I was staring at a page in a book I would never get to the next page in, I heard the door of my compartment slide open. "Anyone sitting here?" a male voice asked. I was ready with my usual answer, one that never failed to repel potential seat-takers. "JUST THE LORD!" I said - no, chirped.

"Would have reckoned He'd be in a first-class car, no?" the voice said.'

Dude! I am SO using that on my Amtrak journey!!! That's the best line I've read in ages! Oh hoo! Now I'm hacking again from laughing too hard.

That's all for today... 5 more sleeps until my quarter century... ta ta!

Like a love letter to a stranger.

2006-08-13T17:43:00.000-06:00

Well I must say, the past 10 days have simply been a whirlwind. A whirlwind. Jazz the Amazing Wonder Weiner Dog went on vacation, so I was left to my own devices for the past few weeks. What can I say? Jazz needed to get out of the apartment and out to the beach. The cabin is like his fat camp. Seeing as I was now alone and bewildered, I actually ventured out of my apartment and into something at the very least resembling a social life.

The Stamps/Riders game was pure, drunken debauchery. I got suckered into a blind date that day when I couldn't find anyone to give my spare ticket to. Nice enough guy, but perhaps a Rider game (a losing Rider game) is not the best place for me to make a good first impression. I am a loud, obnoxious Rider fan.
Clincher of the date: I'm not that bothered by the fact that he didn't offer to pay for the ticket, but the least he could have done would be to buy me a drink for Chrissakes.

Anyhoo... to summarize: karma ended, Riders lost, shout out to QT in green wig, streaker ran more yards than visiting team, prostitutes in crowd (maybe this is how the Stamps subsidize their budget?), tailgaters with meat slicer, Autumn drowns sorrows on her own dime. (And DAMN Stamps games are dull.)

Two days later I hopped aboard the biggest, laziest raft on the river and went floating for 7 hours. Although dinghys were passing us at full speed, we were the Caddy of the River. We managed to fit 7 people, 7 life jackets, 3 coolers, and 3 knapsacks on board this baby. It was an awesome way to spend the day. Only downer was meeting a cute pilot who I have tons in common with, only to be dropped like yesterdays drawers upon being introduced to the only flight attendant on board. They then proceeded to talk about flight pairings ALL DAMN DAY and then well into the evening. He was even British. (Sigh.) Blind date tagged along. Still no drink forthcoming from the guy.

The next day I wobbled into work at 4:45am, made it through my shift and then was on the road to sunny Saskatchewan. Again. But wait, you may be asking, why would you drive when you work for an airline?! Why, only to make the semi-annual IKEA delivery journey, of course! (These trips simply cannot go on. For starters, my apartment looks like an IKEA warehouse for months on end, and one of these days I am going to give myself a hernia loading all that crap into the truck. That, and I'm not even on the payroll.) Got to tour Mum's charming new abode - which will be a great place for her and the sis to settle into once they are all unpacked.

I find being home really stressful - 4:45am shifts are very dull in comparison to the work that is involved with being back in my hometown. So it was very fortuitous that my long-lost pal, Jenn was able to meet up for dinner one of the nights I was home. Jenn and I played ball together growing up - she's hysterical. I'm pretty sure she's the one who gave me the nickname 'Forrest Gump'. Totally warped mind - god love her. Her boyfriend, Russ joined us for dinner - he gets two thumbs up from me. (This from the girl who doesn't like anyone's significant others.) Russ even has the good sense to hardly cringe at all at the possibility of bringing up bodily functions at the dinner table - even if they involve corn, carrots, and peas. Good on ya Russ! I'm so stoked that both Jenn and Russ are coming out to Canmore this week - there is literally nothing better in this world than being around the people who know and love that you're just a silly asshole most of the time.

The remaining highlights of my short jaunt home would have to be visiting with Jenn's parents and touring the Casino Regina. The thing's been there for years, but I've never ever been inside. I now know that Satan cannot possibly be coming for my soul.

I wrote a really lovely haiku the other day on my way to work. I was going to post it on Haikus from Hell, but of course now I can't find the damn thing. I'll have to go digging through my recycling bin now. In other literary news I have just finished two fantastic books - the best reads of my summer so far. The first was "The Stolen Child" by Keith Donohue, which is a contemporary changeling tale. It was so calm and eerie, it absolutely terrified me - but not in a scary movie sort of way. More like when your imagination runs away with you as a child, and you make yourself believe all of the crazy shit in your brain is true. It was phenomenal. I literally just finished "Black Swan Green" by David Mitchell - which is about a 13 year old boy growing up in Britain in 1982. This is absolutely nothing like David Mitchell's other novels - except that it is so fucking well written. There is something heartbreaking about the naivete of Jason (the main character) his emphatic trust in Margaret Thatcher, in the media, and yet his absolute distrust in all that affects him personally - his distrust in himself. I have no idea what to read next because I've just been so blown away by these two novels.

No big plans for this week - Mum's visiting and I hope to get out to Canmore for a day or two. Karma must be paying me back for the crap Rider games lately - I actually won a white-water rafting trip from fastforward! How cool is that?! I've always wanted to go white-water rafting! In fact, I was just saying that the other day - to pretty much anyone who was willing to listen! I'm so excited I just want to go right this minute! I don't know if I'd be able to wait until next summer!

I'd love to hear ya'll's suggestions as to what I should read next - I'm at a literary impasse. I've been listening to a lot of Depeche Mode lately - maybe follow that vein? Thoughts? Recommendations? Requests for me to quit yaking and get off my "damn literary high horse"?!

Can I get a HALLELUIAH?!?!

2006-08-04T17:40:00.000-06:00

Dear Saskatchewan Roughriders,
You have come through for me this week when I needed you the most.
First came your karmic victory over the Stampeders (which I need you to follow up on tomorrow, natch.)
Now you (and my grandmother who gave me her season ticket password) have come through and gotten me tickets to the second (although first in chronological order) Rolling Stones concert at Mosaic Stadium.
God bless you Saskatchewan Roughriders.
Your loving fan,
The Dharma Bum
P.S. I will be sitting amongst a sea of Stampeders season ticket holders tomorrow, so please don't make me look like an ass in my Riders jersey. Much obliged.

So there you have it folks, Autumn's Ultimate Week of Rock is a go!!! We'll start off the week with a little Bad Religion, some Pennywise and Ignite, and throw in a pinch of Rancid for good measure. And that's just the warm up! Friday night - the Who, Saturday - the Rolling Stones. The moment I hear Baba O'Riley and You Can't Always Get What You Want I will officially be able to die. And then I will wait until all of the Clash join me in Heaven where they will be hosting the official Clash reunion tour - not to mention Autumn's Ultimate Eternity of Rock!
The t-shirts are being made as we speak! I'm never going to wear another shirt again!!!

Why Lord?! Why?!

2006-07-31T11:42:00.000-06:00

Ticketmaster has officially RUINED

Autumn's Week of Rock.

No golden ticket, no t-shirts.

(Sniff.)

Ha ha! Revenge is sweet!

2006-07-30T11:13:00.000-06:00

Riders 19 / Stamps 9

(Karma's a bitch ain't she, C.C.?)

But I WANT a Golden Ticket!

2006-07-28T16:11:00.000-06:00

Two posts in one day! Holy shit! I'm lucky if I can churn out 2 posts in a month!

I have spent the past few days in and around Regina, catching up with the whole fam-damily and my good friend Jenn. (Should she happen to be reading this, Russ gets the thumbs up - he's pretty darn funny. Maybe not as funny as his mom... but close.) Anyhoo... the few days that I had off were pretty low key - golfing with the grandparents, 2 ball games, the requisite paddle-boat with my aunt, damn the man conversations with my other aunt, drinking with my little bro.... and getting THE ITCH. (No, this is not crabs. You pervs.) I'm not sure if THE ITCH is something that Albertans know about or not, maybe it's called something else like the elusive bunnyhug/kangaroo. Southern Saskatchewan gets a lot of Canada Geese in the summer. And they shit. A lot. And when they shit, copious amounts of algae are created, so when you swim in the water and it's hot and not very windy and there aren't a lot of boats out... well you end up swimming in a literal shit load of algae. And then if you don't rinse or dry off right away once you're out of the water - you develop THE ITCH. Normally THE ITCH just looks like mosquito bites - clusters of them. But this year they look more like hives. I never get the itch and I managed to acquire it this week - I think it may have something to do with the fact that the shower water you use to rinse off the algae is actually lake water - filtered only by the shower head. Anyway... I don't actually feel itchy, I just have the spots - everyone else at home was scratching like a bunch of damn monkeys. And pouring vinegar on themselves. (Which was amusing, but highly uneffective.) I have one spot right inside my belly button - that one makes me laugh every time I see it. One summer when I was a kid, THE ITCH was really bad and everyone had spots but for some reason my brother was in horrible shape. We couldn't figure out why. A week later my remaining 2 siblings, myself, and one cousin all had the chicken pox. Bastard.

Wow. That was sort of lame to go into that much detail over THE ITCH. I'm a winner.

On my flight back from Regina yesterday I forgot to ask to be seated at the back of the plane and I ended up sitting behind a young mother, her toddler son, and her infant daughter. The was the longest flight I've ever been on in my life! I was sitting directly behind the toddler who was playing that neurotic game that toddlers play where they repeatedly bonk the back of their head on the back of the seat. I felt like my knee was slowly driving my thighbone into the back of my hip. If my knee was my head, I would now be concussed. And THEN... from take off through to landing, the baby cried and screamed nonstop. I'm no parent, and I know nothing about kids - but damn it, I know enough that when a baby is crying on an airplane it's usually because it's ears are popping and it hurts them. So instead of shrugging and looking helplessly at the grouchy travellers around you and saying "I just don't know why she's being like this!", give the child her soother or bottle so she can swallow a few times and unpop her ears! God! SOME PEOPLE'S KIDS!!! I swear!

In any event, while I was trying to distract myself from Hammerhead and Lungs sitting in front of me, I compiled a short list of things to write about in my blog. Unfortunately for you readers out there it's a fairly negative list. Reason being, when I think to myself that I hate something (ie: "Damn, I hate screaming babies.") that thought is generally followed with more things that I hate. So this list of things to write about is actually a list of things I hate. But don't worry, it's not very long.

Things Autumn Hates

(a list)

- Crocs: What does that say about our generation when the shoe of choice is a godforsaken GARDENING CLOG?!?!

- Hippies. Goddamn hippies. Especially folk festival type hippies, or the ones who hang around the Roasterie. The smell of dirt and patchouli is not pleasant. White boys with dreadlocks who haul around drums in Navajo blankets look ridiculous. Even more ridiculous are the baby boomer hippies - especially the old crones who don't shave their armpits and spend their time at outdoor festivals twirling around. Gross.

- Skinny jeans. I saw a kid the other day wearing black skin-tight jeans - with a giant freaking cast on his leg. Seeing as it's simply got to be impossible to remove those babies while his cast is on, I am led to believe that this wanker is going to wear the same skinny black jeans for at least the next month. Which is gross. "Hipsters" are retarded. There is nothing even remotely attractive about wearing tapered, skinny pants of any kind.

- My sister's boyfriend. He's a tosser. He manipulates her using the whole sensitivity thing - he actually cries when they fight. And he's a mama's boy. Literally. His parent's keep him on such a short leash that I was concerned that Alex may sucked into some sort of fundamentalist Christian group by them. The little weiner actually made the fatal mistake of trying to talk about books with me - leading off the conversation with "James Patterson is my favorite author, have you read (insert crap title here)? I like that he writes such short chapters."

Too easy. (Picture Autumn, the hungry Fox - sly grin, teeth gleaming, smacking her lips. Straight outta the cartoons.)

Apparently I'm the intimidating family member?!

- My potty mouth. It's weird, I get home from work and I swear like a sailor. (The sailors in Pirates of the Caribbean don't swear. So maybe it's actually the hoity-toity sailors on the H.M.S. Hottentot or whatever that swear. I don't know why it is important for me to note this in my blog, but I suppose I am curious as to which sailors the expression is referring to.) Anyhoo... I suppose the bad language just gets pent up inside of me (sort of like these pointless blog tirades) and as soon as my feet hit the pavement I'm homefree to swear to my little heart's content?

Ok. So that's really all I could think of that I hate. I could think of many more if I tried, but I won't over do it. Besides, I have good things ahead. I got my Who tickets for October 5th, and lo and behold, the Rolling Stones are heading to Regina-fucking-Saskatchewan ("A" for effort on curbing the swearing there). The hot tickets are $300 - they're called the "Golden Tickets" and man, I am practically chewing off my own tongue at the thought of getting a hold of one of those. The Who on the 5th and the Stones on the 8th? I could die. After all that I could literally just die. It would be AUTUMN'S ULTIMATE WEEK OF ROCK!!! I'm even thinking of getting t-shirts made. I think I'll call it the "I CAN GO AHEAD AND DIE NOW TOUR - 2006".

Seriously. So let's all pray that I get my hands on the golden ticket... now who wants a chocolate bar?!

Today's lesson in sportsmanship

2006-07-28T15:15:00.000-06:00

I've always considered the term "Canadian celebrity" to be a bit of an oxymoron. Sure, they may show up on tv every once in awhile, someone somewhere may actually be a fan, but they're not exactly household names are they? How does one guage whether they have actually crossed the status line into diva territory?

For example... today being the day before game day, the Stamps were flying to Regina. I checked most of them in and then went on to work their flight. Most of the players are friendly, polite, and in good spirits. Henry Burris even laughed when I told him he was going to be sitting in the pit for this flight because he made the mistake of letting a Rider fan check him in. But hey, that's class - he knows he's representing his team and knows there is nothing to get worked up about. But there are always the few... the ones who want star treatment from start to finish - the ones who skipped gym class the day everyone else was learning about sportsmanship.

So here's the scenario... Stamps don't fly on charters, they take the regular flight to Regina. Regardless of the fact that we're an economy airline and we don't do VIP stuff, the Stamps somehow get priority over our other guests who paid for their flights out of their own pocket - Stamps get the majority of aisles and windows - never middle seats. And that's understandable, we have a good business relationship with the Stamps, and obviously they're bigger fellows so a middle seat isn't exactly comfortable for the majority of them. It puts our guests out, but most of them are so excited that the Stamps are on board that rarely does anyone complain. However, what the guests do complain about is that we're late departing and therefore late arriving. Why? Because the players have this silly little game - a contest to see who can get one the plane last. It doesn't matter that the plane is due to depart in 5 minutes, nor does it matter that we're paging them to board the plane, and it certainly doesn't matter that they're standing 5 feet from the bridge to the plane. They just won't get on. At first it's amusing, ha ha, silly Stampeders, blah, blah, blah. But it gets old. Fast.

So the two of us working that particular flight start to get anxious. And a little pissed off. We page, we ask politely, we call them up by name.... no one wants to get on the plane. "But there's a line up on the bridge" they say. (A line up a whopping 5 people deep.) It never occurs to them that maybe we have duties other than getting them on board the airplane - duties that all need to be done before that plane can even shut its doors. Finally, exasperated, my co-worker flat out says "You guys need to get on that plane now, you have waited long enough, you need to board NOW." And here is where the fun begins...

Imagine that you are 5'9" or 5'10" tall, probably pretty scrawny - no where near big enough to be a football player. And Daddy's a coach in the big leagues - so of course you want to play - but you're no Rudy. So you manage to get a little bigger (after today I can just guess how) but you never make it past college ball. But Daddy can pull some strings - you can be a coach! Maybe you're just having a bad day, maybe you're experiencing a little roids backlash, or maybe you're just pissed because no one watching the big game knows your name - whatever the reason, when someone other than Daddy asks you to get off your ass and do something, you feel like you have to put on a shit show. So you rant and rave a bit, and point fingers, and get in people's faces - but funny thing - no one's buying the diva bullshit! It just doesn't seem to be working! Not only that, but your buddies - who thought this was all so freaking hilarious from the get go - all kind of look embarassed by you and your theatrics. It matters very little to you that there are people other than you on that plane who are waiting to leave. It matters even less that every minute we are late departing - my partner and I are held accountable for. Sure, Daddy will keep you on the payroll, but what happens to me 3 months down the line when I am being evaluated for a payraise? It matters still less that I am standing with my face 2 inches from yours, looking you point blank in the eye and telling you that if you don't calm down you won't be going on this flight. And it's a long walk to Regina. And apparently it matters least of all that you - a coach for the Calgary Stampeders is making your team look very, very bad.

Maybe things are different now, I don't know. But when I was growing up, the rules of sportsmanship were drilled into my head from the get go. It didn't matter what sport they played, I always looked up to players who had class and dignity. In high school, we would be kicked out of the gym if we booed the other team or if we made noise during one of their foul shots. I was no angel - we all get riled up some of the time - but it was more important to me that people respect me - not be intimidated by me.

Now, this incident wasn't the Stamp's fault - but as a member of this football club he should have known better. Just because you're in a suit doesn't mean the impression you are leaving is a good one. Each player and coach is responsible for representing the image the Stamps want to maintain for their fans, their financers, and the people working behind the scenes to accomodate them. And as in today's example, all it took was one person to drop the ball for that image to be tarnished.

In hindsight, I shouldn't have let him on the plane. But goddamn it, karma's a bitch - so the Riders better damn well kick it into high gear this weekend!

A Very Merry Unbirthday to ME!!!!

2006-07-14T12:23:00.000-06:00

I got tickets to see the WHO!!!
After October 5th, I will officially be able to die.
(Not that I will be or anything, but if for some reason I am hit by a bus at that time, it will all be ok.)

:(

2006-07-08T12:48:00.000-06:00

(Sigh.)
Heart broken.
Alexandrovich gave his two weeks yesterday.
Ironically he is going to be a cop.
I must now go drown my sorrows with
long islands on the balcony
for the next 8 hours.
Today has been a very dark day indeed.

HOLY SHIT I LOOK LIKE I'M TWELVE!!!

2006-06-30T13:15:00.000-06:00

Well, the train tracks went on today. If any of you have ever seen Steel Magnolias - you remember that part when Julia Roberts cut off all of her hair and then had a crying fit in the middle of Dolly Parton's beauty salon? That was me once I fled the orthodontist's office and ran to my truck. I had a class A freak out. Thankfully all of the rumors about braces being really painful weren't really true. It was just such a shock to see myself in the mirror. Like Dorian Gray or something. I look like I'm regressing in age. I'm ok now though.

Yesterday was the day from HELL at the airport. I'm pretty sure that that I had a hidden camera on me all day and they were filming Airline without my consent. I got yelled at A LOT yesterday. Because apparently it is my fault that we can't check in a guest and his entire extended family and their entire extended luggage 20 minutes before the flight is set to depart. Also, I am to blame for the fact that the airline that shall remain nameless cancelled a shitload of their flights the Thursday before the long weekend. I take full responsibility for the fact that we couldn't get them on a flight RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!! And even though today is my day off... because of the backlog from yesterday, my entire extended family is pissed because their flights have been rearranged today - can't I do anything about that?! (The whole fam-damily is heading out here for my aunt's wedding tomorrow. Please kill me.)

I suppose I am simply going to have to get used to the perks of the airline industry. On the whole I had a great week - I had guests, a co-worker, and a supervisor give me kudos for doing so well. Another co-worker is willing to take my 6pm - 2am shifts for morning starts - so now I may actually have a life this July. And I saw Alexander in street clothes. (Highlight of my goddamn week, I'll tell you that much!) Sigh...

I literally can't think of any more to write.... so I think I am going to go do one of three things:
1. Stare at the gleaming shards of metal in my mouth and obsess over my image.
2. Reteach myself to eat by placing small portions of food directly into my mouth. (This instead of gnawing my way through meals like I usually do.)
3. Ice my ass. I just cannot fathom how I fell of that goddamn chair!!!

Wherever I go, there I am.

2006-06-23T18:04:00.000-06:00

Odd fact about Autumn's adult life:
I can actually recall every single apartment I've lived in and what I was doing in said apartment when I heard bagpipes playing outside. They seem to follow me wherever I go. I have never lived in a home without hearing someone playing them at some point. They say everyone has a soundtrack to their lives. Mine is literally the bagpipes.

When it rains, it pours... from the ceiling.

2006-06-22T20:08:00.000-06:00

As my good friend QT Librarian (that's Thunder Bay in airport codes) pointed out, I have been neglecting my blog lately. In my defense, it's mostly because I haven't had a day off work since mid-May and it's hard not to fall asleep the moment I walk into my apartment. But enough excuses, I am devoting my time and my typing skills tonight to the entertainment of all you out there who happen to give my blog a passing glance.

Where to start?! How about the airport? I have now been at the airport for a little over a month and I really love it. Sometimes I psych myself out when I think about being such a corporate drone and stuff, but I try to rationalize my career choice by reminding myself that I am not my job. But it's hard to give into "the brand" all the time. I worry that I'm losing my personality a little bit. No one I work with would actually recognize me out of uniform! That being said, I've met all sorts of interesting people, including 5 celebrities and 2 CFL teams. Not bad hey?!

I have a huge crush on one of my co-workers - which feels really lame and high-schoolish. One of the lesbians I work with (who has a crush on me) told me that my crush has a girlfriend. (Sigh.) We'll call my crush.... umm.... Vladimir. Yeah, Vladimir. So anyway I'm trying to convince myself that the above mentioned lesbian actually told me that Vladimir is taken just so said lesbian can take advantage of me with all of her lesbian trickery. Maybe Vladimir can be mine afterall!!! Yes. I get the lame award today. I totally got the shaft as far as scheduling goes in July - I'm working 6pm - 2am shifts, and Vlad works 5am starts - which sucks because now I won't get to stare at him all damn day. (Sigh again.)

So here's the final breakdown of the new job:
Pros:
- friendly co-workers (especially "Daryl the Stoner" who cracks me up)
- good looking boys like Vlad to stare at all day
- meet celebrities and good looking football players
- free Starbucks

Cons:
- traffic
- polyester uniforms
- ironing said polyester uniforms
- crappy schedules

Could go either way:
- the dorky cowboy hat I must wear until Stampede is over (well I don't actually HAVE to wear it, but I can win a vacation if I keep the damn thing on.)

Oh Vladimir.... sigh.

Ok - enough. Summer is finally here, and when I don't feel like drinking myself into a cold stupor (I'm not sure where this alcoholic attitude came from and why it's decided to show up now) I often feel like hibernating. But alas, it looks like it just might be time to go house hunting once again. I really wish they would just convert this building into condos already. I love it here, I'd be first in line for one. But no... they just milk their tennants for all their worth, meanwhile completely neglecting their landlord duties. For example, 2 weeks ago the hot water pipe in the apartment above me burst. Water leaked into my bathroom, the eating area, the den, and my bedroom. Has the landlord fixed the damaged ceiling yet? No. Clean the carpet? No. My apartment fucking reeks. Meanwhile, a month ago all tennants were given notices asking us to pull all of our belongings off our balconies so they could be rebuilt. I have been pulling my barbeque on and off the balcony everyday for the past month and still no balcony. The front of the building got theirs right away... what about us in the back. Of course, the front is the side the building "manager" lives in. Hmmm... convenient... The shitty thing is I really love where I live, and it's almost impossible to find an apartment that allows dogs. That's all the motivation I have to stay in this place right now! That and the fact that moving AGAIN seems so unappealing.

Alberta sets such a double standard for its residents. Sure there are jobs here, but no one can afford housing. Apartment buildings are being knocked down left, right, and center but no one can afford the condos being put in their place. There are no rent caps in place, and landlords can raise the rent - legally - 4 times a year if they so choose. (And most do.) Not including my year in Saskatoon, I have lived here for almost 6 years - and I have moved 7 times. I love it here, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to afford it much longer. Have you got the same frustrations? Write to your city alderman or member of parliament. If the city and province refuses to build more affordable housing, the least they could do is put a cap on rent increases. Otherwise I can't help but think that the mass exodus of people headed west is going end very soon.

There. I've gotten my lame-o job/crush/soapbox portions out of the way. Now I will move on to the shits and giggles part of the evening.

Years of research has led me to finally conclude that my ideal mate is a cross between Joe Strummer and Lloyd Dobbler. Vegetarians, hipsters, and sad-sacks need not apply. Must be taller than me and have very large hands. (Get your minds out of the gutter sickos - this merely serves an aesthetic purpose - I just want my big paws to look small in comparison.) Cannot be afraid of a girl with tattoos. Or baggage. And by baggage I mean a crochety old weiner dog who farts a lot. He won't like you. Because you are not me. Oh, and I suppose it wouldn't hurt if you really love girls with braces. Or more specifically, 24 year old girls with braces. Apply in person with resume and references!

Do you think my singleton status is because my standards are too high?! Ha ha! Come on people! If you've ever thought to yourself..."hmmm... you know who Autumn would get along with..." - ACT ON THOSE HUNCHES!!! This Rivers Cuomo things has got to end!!!

2006-05-31T23:03:00.000-06:00

Sweet Jesus!
It's finally here!

Childhood mysteries that need to be solved.

2006-05-17T19:04:00.000-06:00

Do any of you out there know what the "S" on Jughead's sweater stands for? (From the Archie comics.) I've always wondered. Post a comment if you have an idea!

Something to do before embarking on my previous posting.

2006-05-12T19:37:00.000-06:00

The Clash is up there as one of my all time favorite bands. I wasn't even born when they were making it big, but I discovered them in high school and just fell in love with their music. And their message. When Joe Strummer died, I was just devastated - he was only 50, just think of the great things he could have continued contributing to the world. But the way I see it, he had everything figured out. And I guess that's when you know it's time to go.

Anyway... I stumbled upon this clip on MSN. I can't wait for the dvd to come out in July. I'm sorry I don't actually know how to post it directly to my blog, but it's pretty wicked to watch. Let's rock again!

I've never been very good at Top 5 Lists

2006-05-12T17:22:00.000-06:00

In response to Kelsey's Friday Five, I decided to post my answers here instead of taking up space in the comments field. So without further ado, here are my top 18 song lyrics. (In no particular order - for the most part.)

Long distance callers / make long distance calls / and the silence makes me lonely. / And it's not here. / It disappears. - "Lost in the Supermarket" by the Clash"

This is probably one of my favorite song lyrcis of all time. I've always liked this song because when I was younger - like 3 or 4 - I actually got lost in a supermarket. My dad is convinced that this was the beginning of my undoing. I'm starting to agree with his theory. I must have suppressed this damaging memory somewhere along the line - I don't remember the incident at all.

But I can't help the feeling. / I could blow through the ceiling. / If I could just turn and run. / And it wears me out. / If I could be who you wanted all the time... - "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead

You'd kill yourself for recognition / kill yourself to never ever stop. - "High and Dry" by Radiohead

Second place is a tie because of course I'd have to have Radiohead somewhere on this list and these are my two favorite songs of all time. Sadly, they did not play either at their concert in Vancouver a few years ago.

There's a real cool club on the other side of town. / Where the real cool kids go to hang out. / And talk bad about the other kids. / It's a real cool club / and you're not a part of it. - "Cool Kids" by Screeching Weasel

I used to LOVE this song!!! (Still do actually.) I listened to it religiously in high school. It reminded me of Luther.

When you feel your life ain't worth living / you've got to stand up and take a look around / and then look up way to the sky. / And when your deepest thoughts are broken / keep on dreamin' boy / 'cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die. - "Change" by Blind Melon

Another big high school era song for me.

Waiting for a sign / to smash the silence / with the brick of self control. - "She" by Green Day

Although Green Day are getting accolades for their newest album, nothing compares to "Dookie", the album that made them big. I've always felt that if anyone in an office building or a library were to start screaming out of no where, it would most likely be me.

Jane says / I've never been in love / I don't know what it is / she only knows if someone wants her. - "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction

Another high school song. When I was 16 a friend said that "Jane" reminded her of me. At the time I thought this was a compliment. I now realize that it was not. I still love the song though. If only to prove her wrong.

You think everyone's talking about you / and conspiring to bring you down. / You think that nobody loves you / ever wonder why I'm still around? - "One for the Braves" by Good Riddance

It's hard to admit, but this is me in a nutshell. I have one hell of a defence mechanism built in somewhere.

I've got soul / but I'm not a soldier. - "All These Things That I Have Done" by the Killers

I realize this song is everywhere right now, but when I heard this line months before it was released as a single, I was hooked. It's a great personal catch phrase.

And isn't it ironic sometimes / the things we take for granted are what we wanted / before we knew why? / And isn't it the reason we try / to make the excuse that it won't go the right way / before it's gone wrong? "Can't Change the World" by Face to Face

But pride is a worthy adversary / in the struggle for yourself. - "Think for Yourself" by Face to Face

Alright, so Face to Face get 2 lyrics too. But they were the first punk band I had ever seen live. I was hooked. They took me through the most formative years of my life.

If you're after getting the honey / then you don't go killing all the bees. - "Johnny Appleseed" by Joe Strummer & the Mescaleros

Joe Strummer knew what was going on. If I could meet any person alive or dead, it would most likely be him. Anyways, if I ever meet George W. Bush, this would be the first thing out of my mouth.

And I only got one weapon / it's so plain for me to see / my only weapon / I call poetry. - "Arrested in Shanghai" by Rancid

The message behind this song is pretty powerful - and more important these days than ever before. It's about protecting your right to stand up for what you believe in, and to not be afraid to speak out. I believe the people of the world are ready to listen again.

When you come back from your escape / then I could follow you to hell. - "Committed" by Pete Yorn

I would have no qualms about following Pete Yorn to Hell. He sure is pretty.

There is no righteousness in your darkest moment / we're all equal in the face of what we're most afraid of. - "Sympathy" by Sleater Kinney

This song particularly stands out because of my "religious" schooling. Explaining that the concept of Heaven is a farce just didn't seem to go over well back then. "Combat Rock" by Sleater Kinney is another phenomenal song, I just couldn't narrow it down to one line though.

It's the year to be hated / so glad that we made it / cuz all the kids in the street / whisper sounds that sweep / the stars under their feet / well it's the year to be hated. - "Our Time" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I can't say why I like these words exactly. I just do. Yeah Yeah Yeahs get a bonus entry (because they put out my favorite cd of 2006 thus far): Can't say why I kept this from you / my those quiet eyes become you / leave it where it can't remind us / turn this all around behind us" - "Turn Into" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Again, can't explain the attraction to the words. Maybe just because it's been a tough year and I'm ready for a turn around.

Autumn's sweet / we call it fall / I'll make it to the moon / if I have to crawl. - "Scar Tissue" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

If I had any money at all I would be spending it on RHCP tickets when they go on sale tomorrow. God knows the show will sell out in minutes. So I guess the closest I'll come to seeing them is sharing a flight with their drummer from San Diego to Seattle 5 years ago. C'est la vie. Anyway, I like the lyric because I like to think they're about me. In my mind I like to change the "we call it fall" to "we call her fall". Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm moon obsessed. My first tattoo was of the moon.

So don't ask me to wine and dine ya / I'm from Brooklyn / You're from Regina. - "Hey Fuck You" by the Beastie Boys.

Yes, this is a real lyric. And it just slays me every time I hear it! The thing you've gotta realize is that even though it's obviously derogatory towards Regina and the people living there, Reginans LOVE to hear themselves mentioned. Anywhere. In fact, I remember Saskatchewan was mentioned once on "Full House" and they did a story about it on the evening news. Sad. I'm assuming that the only reason that the Beastie Boys even know about Regina is because Mike D's wife directed a film shot there.

So there you go Kelsey. I hope that is a sufficient (although ultimately boring) answer to today's Friday Five. It did turn out to be an effective time waster on my part. Pat on the back!

Little Britain meets the Pet Shop Boys!

2006-04-27T20:42:00.000-06:00

Kelsey - you gotta see this - the end is the best part!

Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handy

2006-04-25T02:07:00.000-06:00

I think I would derive a deep sense of satisfaction if people were not only to post their wedding announcements in the paper, but notices of their divorces too. That way the newspaper clippings my mother keeps sending me wouldn't be so depressing.

This Week in Numbers

2006-04-17T18:10:00.000-06:00

10 - amount (in hours) of time I spent at work on Saturday
15 - pages of typed instructions written knowing my boss will never use them
4 - mental breakdowns
0 - of which were mine
1 - retina scan
1 - body scan
4 - sets of fingerprints
3 - papers due
2 - of which were mine
2 - take home final exams
0 - amount (in minutes) that I have spent studying for my own final exams.
0.45454545.... - kilograms of choclolate covered pretzels that I have eaten today.
3 - nosebleeds that have lasted up to an hour (apparently I don't get ulcers....)
1 - barbeque that I meant to buy, but never got around to
10 - amount (in days) that I have inexplicably slept on an air mattress in my den rather than in my own bed.
1 - number of times I have considered resorting to alcoholism.

And what I have to look forward to... in numbers:
3 - days of garage sale fun
16 - hours of driving to and from Saskatchewan loaded up like the Beverly Hillbillies.
Priceless - the amount (in dollars) that I could make if I were an actual Ikea delivery service.
1 - flatulent weiner dog stinking up the truck for said 16 hours
7 - number of fortune cookies I will attempt to scam from the Chinese restaurant that my Grandpa has his heart set on visiting.
7 - number of fortune cookies I will eat in an attempt to ween myself off of chocolate covered pretzels.
2-4 - number of times my jaw will lock from grinding my teeth all week.
1 - trip to emergency room after falling off ladder while trying to remove Christmas lights from house during garage sale.

My mum says I'm racking up points for the afterlife. I see it more like collecting airmiles but never having enough to redeem it for anything.

I may be the only person from Saskatchewan who finds this amusing.

2006-04-15T14:55:00.000-06:00

They forgot to include Wee-Too Beach, Saskatchewan

2006-04-10T01:53:00.000-06:00

http://www.cbc.ca/mercerreport/video_player.html?cribbage_village

Balancing the World - One Autumn at a Time

2006-04-09T14:06:00.000-06:00

Kelsey - you've heard this one before, but I thought it was such perfect blog fodder that I simply had to share it with the world.

The other day I was driving into Marda Loop and I'm following a giant, bright red Hummer. I don't like Hummers at the best of times - they remind me of those people who believe that global warming is a hoax (like the Holocaust -right?). Anyhoo... this bright red Hummer just happened to be promoting a local business - which is what most Hummers seem to do. The business in question? A Calgary area Feng Shui practitioner. You can hire them out to re-do your home or office. They had some woo-woo motto like "Balancing the World - One Home at a Time" - can you believe that?! I can't see how driving a Hummer around all day could possibly balance anything!!! It was a bizarre and bitter irony. Of course I followed the Hummer around for awhile because the devil on my shoulder wanted to leave a note as soon as they parked somewhere. But they didn't seem to be stopping any time soon and I just wanted to go home.

My baby shower experience was pretty non-eventful. I've learned 2 things:

1.) Baby showers are weird and boring.
2.) I have a dirty mind. What normal person giggles to themselves when middle-aged women shout out "Oh I love Pooh!" Of course they mean the bear, but the first thing I think of is that said middle-aged women have scatological fetishes. You'd think my name was Beavis. Or Butthead. Perhaps this explains why it'll be a long time coming before I ever have a baby shower of my own. (Can you imagine?!)

I.B.S. (Irritable Bastard Saturday)

2006-04-08T13:12:00.000-06:00

All of you out there in blog land would be so proud of me. I've actually left the house three weekends in a row now! Can you believe it?! Last night I ventured out to Ming for Buddhas with the cantankerous Kelsey. Aside from all the Flames fans taking up all the parking spaces, it was a very engaging evening. Lots of interesting people to watch and one hell of a hamburger. Afterwards my cousin called me up on a whim to go see "The Benchwarmers" which was so funny that I almost choked on my popcorn - twice. I don't think I stopped laughing for the entire movie. I know, I know.... most people think those movies are stupid - but it's about baseball (which I love) and it has that silly guy from Napoleon Dynamite in it. Besides, it's one of those weeks where my brain is starting to resemble the fried egg that resembles a brain on drugs - and it's only going to get worse from here. Go see it if you're bored. It was funnier than Old School.

I am at work right now and having one of those days where customers annoy the shit outta me. Must I hear every one of their life stories?! I went upstairs to hide out at the special orders desk, but my solace was short lived. Right now there is a guy wandering around - looks pretty normal - except that he's talking to himself. At least he's not humming - I think the sound of someone humming would send me right over the edge.

This afternoon I am taking a long haul out to DeWinton for Candice's baby shower. I never fit in at her shindigs - I'm the persistently single one with no money - but I love Candice and Sean and they keep calling me "Aunti Autumn" which I am a sucker for, so of course I have to go. Besides, I've picked out the best baby shower gift ever. I'll show those hoity-toity's. (I'm feeling obscenely competitive this week - not sure why.)

Oh yeah - go out and get the "Show Your Bones" cd by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's really good. More make out music to stockpile for the day that I am no longer single. Just kidding.

Worth the full price of admission!

2006-04-02T11:10:00.000-06:00

Go see The Inside Man now!
You as a person are expendable.
Your rights are expendable too.
This was the best bank heist film I've seen since Dog Day Afternoon.
(Which oddly enough is referenced several times throughout The Inside Man.)
Go now!
P.S. I Heart Clive Owen.

In the meantime

2006-03-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

While it may appear that I've been quite neglectful of my little old blog lately, in reality I open this page at least a couple times a day in desperation - trying to think of anything to write... but I'm a blank. The past few weeks have been a gong show... so busy with school and work and job-hunting and crisis-averting and dad-avoiding... and yet it's been intensely boring. Really the only thing I look forward to is the next weekly episode of America's next top model - mostly because I enjoy looking at "renowned photographer Nigel Bahrker" for the few moments he apears on the show. Oh sexy British guy.....my life is too sad for words.
However, a few interesting snippets have appeared in recent days. Last week I watched all of season one of Little Britain - which was a scream! If I disliked the Trailer Park Boys before, I absolutely detest them now, because obviously they ripped "Bubbles" off of Little Britain's "Andy". For shame.
Last weekend I went out for dinner with my friends Sean and Candice - who are expecting their first little bundle of joy in a month and a half. It's horrible to say, but I was pleasantly surprised when they phoned out of the blue to make dinner plans. Usually the married ones want little to do with a singleton like me. However, their excitement is contagious, and I can't wait to be "Aunti Autumn".
On Tuesday morning I had a job interview with West Jet - supposedly they would e-mail me in 2 weeks to let me know if I got the job, but what do you know?! They liked me so darn much they called me back three hours later! Swell, hey?
Tuesday night my friend Derek invited me to see The Vagina Monologues, which I must admit was not high on my list of favored events to attend. (Mostly because I am forever being hit on by other women, and the fact that I'm just not a "Hooray for my Vagina!" sort of person - me being from Saskatchewan and all.) But I tagged along and it was a well done presentation - very funny and very sobering too. At the very least, it made me ponder what my vagina would wear. (Which I can guarantee I have never thought about before, but since you ask, wooden clogs.)
Yesterday I received the invitation to Len and Cheryl's wedding in the mail. It was actually more like a wedding package, but I was quite excited because I felt like I had just joined a fan club and was now receiving my membership kit! I'm thrilled that their wedding gives me a chance to go to the zoo for a day, I haven't been there since I was 8. And seeing as I donated money to that Destination Africa wing, I feel I ought to see what all the fuss was about. I love weddings. And zoos. Fox family weddings are akin to a wedding at the zoo. Maybe more like the San Diego Wild Animal Park. While there is a rhino stampede. But I digress.
Look at that! It's 8:47pm! I can go home in 13 minutes! My plan to distract myself from staring at the clock actually worked!!! I'm almost free!!!

Think ink.

2006-03-09T00:56:00.000-07:00

My leg is online. How rad!
www.bushidotattoo.com
(Can't sleep, googling things.)

Asleep at the switch, a haiku.

2006-03-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

I am afraid if
I open my eyes I will
forget everything.

Conservative sighting of the day (Almost as exciting as Bigfoot!)

2006-03-05T16:12:00.000-07:00

My god. Rob Anders is in my store.
I must try to sell him the new Mandela bio.

The pros & cons of a week spent in purgatory...

2006-03-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

Last week was Reading Week, so I decided to go on a trip to sunny Flori... Saskatchewan. My dog and I headed out to Regina late Monday night. It was cold and blustery and my windshield kept freezing over. There were a lot of semis and SUVs in the ditch, but by some act of providence, me, my, dog, and my little blue truck made it. (Glory, glory hallelujah. That truck will last me until the day I die.) The good thing about driving in crappy road conditions is that you're so paranoid that you might roll out that you never fall asleep. I was wired the whole time. I got home at about 3:30am, putzed around my mum's house for awhile, then crawled into bed.

The purpose of my trip home was to pack up all of my remaining shit so she can get the house into tip top selling shape. You would think the fact that I had been moved out for 7 years may have reduced the amount of stuff I had to comb through, but it surely did not. My mum keeps everything. The first day of sorting was actually pretty fun - going through all my kid stuff - toys and artwork from elementary school. Day two was just depressing. High school was not a time I would especially like to recapture in my life. Ugh. I certainly made a mess of things then, didn't I?! The only thing I really got a kick out of going through from then was all of my English notes. Judging from my poetry study notes, I was obviously way ahead of my class. (Natch.) Found written in several margins: "It's about SEX." Or "He was in love with a MAN." I don't know why they bothered teaching these poems if they were too puritanical to discuss what they were actually about. (Lutheran private school - go figure.)

The highlight of my trip was going out for lunch with my extremely talented and beautiful friend Jenn, who I hadn't seen since high school. (Approximately around the same time that I decided that smoking up before class was a good lifestyle choice.) Anyhoo... Jenn is true blue and gosh darn it! I just missed her so much! So I'm glad we had a chance to catch up. (I will try not to fall behind again. Unless of course, I am stuck on a ladder. In that case, someone will have to "talk me down!")

Alex (the real hypochondriac in the family) drove back to Calgary with me and the doggy. We had big plans to go snowboarding, but ultimately ended up sitting around all weekend - which was not necessarily a bad thing. (Because now there is a rat living in one of my lungs and if I hadn't gotten some sleep, it may have procreated and then I'd really be in a pickle.) It was a hoot having Alex around even though she claimed that IKEA was "burning her eyes" and her refusing to bond with Jazz the Amazing Wonder Weiner Dog. I missed my sister, it was good to have her back.

I should go study up on my German now - I have a job interview with Air Canada and apparently Grade 12 German means "fluent" to their H.R. people. I must also remember to hook up my IV bag full of Buckley's cough syrup. That rat must die!

Because I'm tired of feeling guilty for feeling angry.

2006-02-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

I have lately been informed that my father is having a relationship with his secretary. Ever tactful, he let me know this via my answering machine. (Not the secretary part - my sister filled me in on that one.) In under six months, my dad - who was once my hero - has become a coward, a cliche, and the king of disappointments.

I am currently in Regina - spending my Reading Week packing up all of my childhood things. There is a lot of recycling to do! My mum was a bit of a pack rat. But I'm actually having a bit of fun going through everything. I feel like I was actually a fairly creative little child - as were my brothers and sister. Despite my current artistic shortcomings, I actually had some talent as a child - with a bit of a proclivity towards paintings in the Jackson Pollack style. My only wish is that my teachers had left notes explaining what my paintings were supposed to be. I think that would be quite interesting.

Today was an uneventful day. I went to Curves with my mum - circuit training for women. I felt a little out of place there! But at least I wasn't sitting on my ass all day. Tonight we're going for dinner and then to Capote - which I am looking forward to.

I'm copying this link from Kelsey's blog - I remember learning about the Johari Window when I was in high school, training to be a peer counsellor. I've never actually made one for myself though, so I'm interested to see the results. If you wish to participate, click here.
Signing off for today, can't wait to be back in Cowtown.

This is not a rhetorical question.

2006-02-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

How does one protect the ones they love from the ones they love?

Conspiracy Theory

2006-02-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

Ahh... the Olympics are here. And what would any world class sporting event be without a little contoversy? This time around, it came in the form of an illegal gambling ring - busted the week before the opening ceremonies. And who could possibly be tied to this "house of the rising sun" as it were? Mr. Hockey. Mr. Canada. Mr. I-will-gladly-endorse-any-product-should-I-be-paid-enough.... whatever you want to call him, Wayne Gretzky. Or more specifically implicated was his sterling wife, Janet. Who was foolish enough to bet on the Superbowl through said illegal gambling ring. Now, it is not illegal to place a bet in the States, but placing a bet with through a shady guy with supposed mafia ties does not do much in the way of endorsing one's clean-cut image. So the media has a field day over this little hoo-ha, wire-tapped phone calls are flung around, and next thing you know, Wayne Gretzky is talking about stepping down from managing the Canadian Olympic Team. So here's my theory... the Americans got whooped in Salt Lake City. There are no two beans about it. Maybe they didn't like the whole lucky loonie under the ice voodoo magic trick. Maybe the American team is looking for its own lucky loonie - and the best one they know of is scandal. Put Gretzky through the ringer, get him distracted, thereby getting the team distracted... and whattya know? Americans walk home with the Gold. The timing's a little too perfect on this one.

Next week I'll discuss my theories behind the JFK assassination. Just kidding.

This weekend I went to Transamerica with Kelsey (can anyone think of an adjective that starts with K? Kitschy was all I could find in the dictionary, but I just don't think that'll work.) Felicity Huffman was great. It was actually a very funny movie, but very disturbing also. Mostly in that too close to reality sort of way. It reminded me of one of those Richard Kern nudes - they're real people, not supermodels, and try as you may to look for the inner beauty in them, you can't stop yourself from feeling sad for the subjects. It is a movie well worth seeing though.

Alas, I did not go home to watch Starship Troopers, a movie, dinner, and bed are more than enough for me. However, I did watch Gray's Anatomy on Sunday night - which I am now obsessed with. This week I damn near had a heart attack. Did anyone else catch this?! Bombs in body cavities. Crazy.

I just finished a fantastic little book called Borges and the Eternal Orangutans by Luis Fernando Verissimo. I don't generally read other staff picks from work, if only because if one person can recommend a book, then I should try and find something else to recommend. Then we cover all the bases and know about as many books as possible. Anyhoo... my co-worker discovered this little gem, which I decided to read because I have been on a Borges kick lately. The narrator of the story is an aspiring writer who decides to go to an Edgar Allen Poe convention in Buenos Aires, where he meets Borges, whom he had corresponded with briefly. While at the conference, an infamous and outspoken lecturer is killed, and the narrator work with Borges to solve the murder. The book itself was no longer than 150 pages, but it was such a fascinating piece of detective fiction, with this engaging metaphysical slant. You don't need to be familiar with Poe or Borges to read it, but you may find yourself wanting to learn more about them once you have finished! It was just one of those little books that was such a gift to read. You couldn't possibly feel guilty for reading this instead of doing something productive - it was just that good!

Well, midterm week is upon us. Tomorrow it's Forensics, Thursday is Ethics and Issues in Canadian Justice, and Friday is Interviewing. Fun, fun, fun. Next week I'm heading home to sunny Saskatchewan, with my monthly delivery of IKEA furniture to those without the good fortune to possess an IKEA in their quaint little city. I should be making commission from these damn trips.

Signing off,
Admirable Auutmn
(Hee hee, Kelsey said I'm admirable. So there!)

I got nothin'.

2006-02-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

I have become a creative sieve. I cannot think of anything that could even remotely interest anyone. So I'll just fill you in on my week so far.

I went to Sunshine today. Snowboarding. I hate to admit it, but this is the first time I've been out all year. It's embarassing because it's something I love doing so much. The wind today was incredible. I've never seen anything like it. I could hardly see a foot in front of me most of the time. It snowed all morning and cleared up a bit later in the afternoon. I did not anticipate how windy it would be when I left this morning, so I was a little cold on the lifts. Next time I'll take my vest. I doubt Doyle will ever read this, but the socks he gave me for Christmas? Incredible. My feet were so toasty! Usually by lunch I have to switch socks, and after a full day of snowboarding, my sweaty feet are always freezing. I only wore the one pair of socks - and my toes were cozy for the whole damn day! Absolutely incredible. I should frame them.

All in all, my day was very enjoyable. Lots of snow, a tasty hot dog at lunch, toasty toes... I can't ask for much more. No major injuries - just a raccoon face, a burnt tongue, and a small bump on my forehead. (That wasn't actually caused by a snowboarding accident per se, I just happened to sling my boot towards my face rather than over my shoulder... nothing out of the ordinary there.)

This past weekend, my Mum came to visit her hairdresser. She stayed in my apartment though. We saw The Matador - which was a scream. Pierce Brosnan was hysterical. I think this has become my Mum's new favorite movie.

Right now I'm reading an advanced copy of Augusten Burroughs' new book, Possible Side Effects, which is funny in that typical Augusten Burroughs sort of way, but also sort of tedious. And scattered. I get that he came from an extremely dysfunctional family and all, and that he was an alcoholic... but goddamn it, he's a fucking millionaire now. How sorry do I have to feel for him? Plus he uses the same metaphor in two separate stories. Which is weak. But he's still funny.

I just finished a book called A Little History of the World by E.H. Gombrich, which is this wonderful book written by an Austrian in 1935. The author updated and translated it into English just before he died in 2005. It's a book about important events in world history that have somehow shaped or contributed to the state of the world today. The book is intended for children (very intelligent children from what I gathered.) I found it very refreshing indeed. What I especially enjoyed was that typically, books on history tend to have a very Anglo-centric slant, whereas Gombrich focused only briefly on British history. However, my only criticism would be that he almost entirely ignored the history of Native North Americans and Africans, and he failed to mention Canada or Australia even once. He spent a lot of time discussing World War I & II, but focused on the heroics of the American troops - which I found strange seeing as America was the last country to join these wars, and Canada played such a huge part... but I digress. Perhaps if Gombrich had lived a little longer, he may have also been able to add a chapter on the Cold War - which would have been an interesting introduction to economics for the children this book was intended for.

A note on my descent into spinsterhood:
Yesterday I paid a visit to my friendly neighbourhood optometrist. He said that if my eyesight continues to deteriorate at the rate it is now, by this time next year I will need bifocals. So we've got braces, bifocals.... Mum - if you're reading this: you might as well keep buying me weiner dog figurines, calendars, tote bags, coffee mugs, and t-shirts... I've got this spinster thing in the bag.

Change of Plans.

2006-01-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

Ok. So Broken Social Scene was not on Conan last night - Marty Stewart was?!
And I don't get to go snowboarding today because the damn gondola is still broken.
So now I get to sit around in my pajamas all day.
I blame this topsy-turvy-ness on the Conservatives.
Damn you Stephen Harper! Damn you all to hell!!!

Welcome to "C" Country

2006-01-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

Well, my worst fears have been realized - almost. Thank goodness it's only a minority government - again. Hopefully the Liberal Opposition and the NDP will stand their ground in Parliament so none of Harper's ridiculous legislations get passed. As I said to my returns officer while voting yesterday, "See ya'll next year!"

For all you night owls out there, Broken Social Scene will be performing on Conan O'Brien tonight. Tune in - Lisa's still on tour with them. (She gets to meet Conan! I am so jealous!)

Due to my cabin fever (aka: boredom, not the flesh-eating disease) I'm heading out to Sunshine tomorrow - hopefully. Let's all pray that my gondola doesn't go flying.

G'night all.

Not even a spoonful of sugar will help this medicine go down

2006-01-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

Dose Daily Magazine - you are fit for the pit.

I pick up Dose every once in awhile just for something to read during breakfast, and I get that their reader demographic is apathetic. But as a so-called member of the fourth estate, maybe you could do something to promote the involvement of the youth who read your magazine?

Case in point: Thursday's Issue: Dose asks people across the country "what election issue is least important to you?"

Two of the replies:

"All of them, any and all things related to politics are not important to me. Ignorance is bliss to me. I know I'm contributing to the stereotype of youth, but hey, it's a stereotype for a reason."
Well said young man. That's an admirable quality in a young person today - to admit how wilfully ignorant they are. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Perhaps you could put down the all the shopping bags from designer stores (NIKE front and centre) and pick up a newspaper. I realize world issues are a bummer and all, but this is your future we're talking about! And you just don't care?

"I hate how they want to give money to parents of little kids."
(When asked if she would prefer that the money be spent on daycare programs, she replied...)
"Well, I guess so. Still, don't give them the money!!!"
Holy crap. Well young lady, based on the cost of your designer parka and the (cheap, I'm sure) digital camera in your hand, I'm guessing mummy and daddy didn't have any trouble coming up with the cash for daycare for you. Now what if your mom got pregnant and it was a rocky relationship and she ended up working two jobs just to stay out of the drop-in centre and had to decide between using the $20 a month she's given for childcare on a babysitter for you or the electricity bill... would you say she doesn't deserve the extra cash?

Of course, both of these quotes are from 18 year olds - but no one else on the page seemed that interested in any issue that has been raised in the election thus far. And only one person even mentioned the gay marriage debate - and not because it's been passed by Supreme Court, or that it would be a human rights violation, but because "it doesn't bother him".

Within a week of turning 18 I was out there voting. It wasn't a federal election, but it meant a lot to me that I had a say in the whole process. These days it's hard not to become jaded or angry about the whole political process. It's hard to drive through Mount Royal and not want to plow down all those damn conservative campaign signs! And it's disheartening as a young person sometimes, sometimes I feel as though those conservative rich white men have a vote that's worth 3 times more than mine. But still, it's my duty and my privilege to be out there on Monday - voting. I do it if only as a means to remembering that I live in a country where that right has not yet been taken away.

Ugh.

2006-01-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

What kind of asshole wears a bikini to a deep water aquasize class?! And apparently said bikini-wearer does not understand the difference bewteen clockwise and counter-clockwise. I should have beaned her with my flotation belt. Seriously.

I was going to write cd reviews today. But don't feel like it. I will say this though...

The Strokes third cd still does not capture the energy of their first. As always, their songs are pretty catchy, but damn they sure rip off a lot of riffs from other bands! This time around... the Pogues and Sigur Ros. Jury's still out on this one... it may take a few more rotations in the old cd player.

Propagandhi's newest disc, Potemkin City Limits just kicks ass. They've moved on from their primarily anti-American stance to verbally assaulting the tenants of Rideau Hall. The "not in my backyard" outlook definitely doesn't apply to them. Straight outta Compton... err... Winnipeg, these guys are hardcore and intelligent.

And now I will leave you with an exerpt from a letter I wrote to my good friend Lisa, who is currently seeing the world while on tour with Broken Social Scene. I wrote to her last night and thought I sounded clever. So I'll share that with you.

I like to play a game called "Where in the World is Lisa Lobsinger?" it is sort of like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego - except you are not a fleeing criminal and I am not a special agent with Interpol. So really, all this game involves is guessing which city you are currently in, and then looking on the B.S.S. website to see if I'm right! It's an activity that is just time-consuming enough to distract me from doing real work. However, I can't spend too much time on the B.S.S. website, because then I become envious and wistful, and then I start thinking "hmmm... wouldn't it be just incredible to see Lisa perform in (insert exotic city here)..." and then I am brought back to the horrifying reality in which I realize that seeing as I couldn't afford to go to the B.S.S. show in Calgary - it would be very unlikely that I could ever afford to see you guys play in some wonderful old European city!!! So sad!

2006-01-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

I caught the last hour of the leader's English debate the other night... not much new there. I am still ultimately confused as to why the Bloc gets to participate and not the Green Party. Each one has about as much chance as the other of winning the federal election. It confuses me as to why Gilles Duceppe - or anyone who is as vehemently anti-Canadian as he is should be allowed to run at all. We're trying to elect the prime minister of Canada after all, not the prime minister of Quebec. As far as I'm concerned, you might as well eat your ballot if you're going to vote for the Bloc, for all the good that will do.

Stephen Harper - whose support has been up since the debate, simply creeped me out. It appeared as though his media relations/publicist must have told him to keep it loosey-goosey before the debate. Appear well-rounded, and smile a lot. Have you ever gotten that birthday card? The one with the picture of a grimacing old lady on the front, and inside it says: "I AM Smiling"? That was Stephen Harper. Every time he looked directly into the camera I felt as though he was stealing my soul.

Although Jack Layton is usually portrayed as the yappy little dog, nipping at all the big dog's heels, I guess it was Paul Martin's turn on debate night. Desperately trying to kick it into high gear to gain back some points, Martin came up short and may have done more damage than good. His feeble and desperate attempt to get Stephen Harper to bite at the 'not withstanding' bone was pretty weak. Did he honestly think Harper would support him?! The conservatives have made it abundantly clear that using the clause will be the first thing they do should they get into power!

As lame as Martin's bear-baiting was, I was impressed with his stand on Canadian unity. The sponsorship scandal has made this election into a smear campaign. And the only people that have benefited from this are the people of Quebec. I don't agree with under the table dealings, and I certainly don't condone the events that led up to the Gomery inquiry - but you have to ask yourself if you were prime minister and one of your provinces was threatening to separate... wouldn't it be worth it to throw a little money their way to at least keep them sitting tight? And if a bribe of this nature is so damn bad - why did these certain Quebec businesses choose to accept it? Maybe because it's win/win for them, and it puts the rest of Canada out the original $13 million plus the $60 million it cost to host an inquiry.

I don't mean to sound anti-Quebec - I'm not. What I am however, it anti-anti-Canadian. Besides, these comments are not to be taken too seriously. I am after all, no political analyst. I am merely a fence sitter with a deep seated fear of conservatives running my country.

Anyhoo... I was going to review my first cd purchase of 2006, but I'm tired from building IKEA furniture. Stupid flarken pieces of crap!!! I also spent the past three evenings editing my sister's IB English paper on "The Metamorphosis" which is apparently by a gentleman by the name of Frank Kafka. And here I was all these years thinking it was Franz... silly me.

However, to end this post on a happy note, here it is, your moment of zen...

Ok... apparently I don't get a moment of zen because for some reason I can't upload images from my own computer. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then.

Firsts for 2006

2006-01-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

First Book Read: The Dog of the Marriage by Amy Hempel - I found this book of short stories to be insanely over-rated. I picked it up from the library on a whim, I figured that since so many of my favorite authors seem to praise Hempel to the highest heavens, it seemed pretty likely that I'd enjoy her work too. Alas, stories about middle-aged divorced women have never been my cup o' tea as it were.

Verdict: Disappointment, not worthy of first book status. I am now working my way through The Collected Fictions by Jorge Luis Borges. I have never read Borges before, mostly because I found the fact that his first and last names rhyme troublesome. Regardless, I find that so far, I find that I either immensely enjoy his short stories, or am completely disinterested in them.

First Film Watched in Theatre: King Kong - Having never been a fan of blockbuster movies of any sort, I went along simply because I was invited and didn't want to go home yet. The endless chasing, chasing, chasing and weird creatures popping up everywhere got to be a little tiresome, but the cast was fabulous and I must admit to tearing up a wee bit at the end.

Verdict: Every bit as inventive as the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Peter Jackson sticks to his vision and manages not to mangle one of the most memorable films in cinema history. The characters were brilliant - and fiercely believable - Jack Black's performance as a scheming film director was pitch perfect. That Billy Elliot kid even dances a wee jig! The reference to Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness was a nice touch - just imagine what Jackson could do with Apocalypse Now. Yikes!

First film rented: Dear Frankie - A Scottish film about a mother who tells her son that his father is in the navy and stationed at ports around the world. She writes letters to her son, Frankie (who is deaf) under the guise of his father, and Frankie replies - sending his "da" letters to a post office box in Glasgow, which his mother checks once a week. They soon learn that his "father's" ship is due in Glasgow and Frankie is excited to finally meet his dad. In order to protect him, she hires "The Stranger" to pose as his dad for a day.

Verdict: I'm a sucker for British films - especially those which focus on the underdog - the down and out. Dear Frankie is similar in that right to the aforementioned Billy Elliot. The story is so captivating and the characters so bloody endearing!!! It really was a gem of a film.

P.S. "The Stranger" is played by Gerard Butler, ( www.imdb.com/name/nm0124930/ ) who is going to be my new boyfriend - just so you're all aware.

New Year, New Blog

2005-12-30T15:22:00.001-07:00

The Highs and Lows of Christmas Vacation 2005:
We'll start with the highs.

My brother admitted that I have fairly good taste in music.
5 &1/2 hours to Regina! New Christmas record!
Wine drinking merriment with my long lost friend and her family.
Christmas dinner. Mmm... turkey.
Oh the joys of expensive Christmas crackers.
Reading stories to the little people.
Moccasins
Beating Alex and Mum at both Read 'Em and Oxford Dilemna
Crepes
Pride and Prejudice (Move over Colin, there's a new Darcy in town!!!)
Walk the Line
Costco Memberships!!!
Jazz's booties.
Winning $6.00 on the scratch and win tickets.
Being lazy.
Discovering that the 8 hour drive to Calgary is much more entertaining when you have a 12 year old weiner dog with a gas problem as your only company.
Finally visiting the discount book store!

And now the lows.

Constantly making Mum cry with my over-use of sarcasm.
Too many roadtrips in too little time.
Being yelled at by my sister.
Having my pleasant movie-watching experience interupted by my sister's persistent text-messaging.
Not finishing a single book while I was home.
Not accomplishing anything of significance due to my laziness.
This just dawned on me now... where were the schwartzies?
Sleeping on an air mattress for a week.
Unexplicable bad hair week.
Not winning way more than $6.00 on the scratch and win tickets.
Spending way too much time and money in the discount bookstore.
Arriving home and realizing that I need yet another new bookshelf.
The freak snowstorm outside of Maple Creek. Both Farty McFarterton and I were scared.
Realizing what a shit storm 2006 will be.

And the in between...

The bright orange faux silk jammies my mum bought for me. They make me feel like Liberace... which I'm starting to like....

Hope ya'll had yourselves some happy holidays.