Alive and Well and Living in Absentia

The Dharma Bum: Part Deux

Friday, June 30, 2006

HOLY SHIT I LOOK LIKE I'M TWELVE!!!

Well, the train tracks went on today. If any of you have ever seen Steel Magnolias - you remember that part when Julia Roberts cut off all of her hair and then had a crying fit in the middle of Dolly Parton's beauty salon? That was me once I fled the orthodontist's office and ran to my truck. I had a class A freak out. Thankfully all of the rumors about braces being really painful weren't really true. It was just such a shock to see myself in the mirror. Like Dorian Gray or something. I look like I'm regressing in age. I'm ok now though.

Yesterday was the day from HELL at the airport. I'm pretty sure that that I had a hidden camera on me all day and they were filming Airline without my consent. I got yelled at A LOT yesterday. Because apparently it is my fault that we can't check in a guest and his entire extended family and their entire extended luggage 20 minutes before the flight is set to depart. Also, I am to blame for the fact that the airline that shall remain nameless cancelled a shitload of their flights the Thursday before the long weekend. I take full responsibility for the fact that we couldn't get them on a flight RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!! And even though today is my day off... because of the backlog from yesterday, my entire extended family is pissed because their flights have been rearranged today - can't I do anything about that?! (The whole fam-damily is heading out here for my aunt's wedding tomorrow. Please kill me.)

I suppose I am simply going to have to get used to the perks of the airline industry. On the whole I had a great week - I had guests, a co-worker, and a supervisor give me kudos for doing so well. Another co-worker is willing to take my 6pm - 2am shifts for morning starts - so now I may actually have a life this July. And I saw Alexander in street clothes. (Highlight of my goddamn week, I'll tell you that much!) Sigh...

I literally can't think of any more to write.... so I think I am going to go do one of three things:
1. Stare at the gleaming shards of metal in my mouth and obsess over my image.
2. Reteach myself to eat by placing small portions of food directly into my mouth. (This instead of gnawing my way through meals like I usually do.)
3. Ice my ass. I just cannot fathom how I fell of that goddamn chair!!!

Friday, June 23, 2006

Wherever I go, there I am.

Odd fact about Autumn's adult life:
I can actually recall every single apartment I've lived in and what I was doing in said apartment when I heard bagpipes playing outside. They seem to follow me wherever I go. I have never lived in a home without hearing someone playing them at some point. They say everyone has a soundtrack to their lives. Mine is literally the bagpipes.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

When it rains, it pours... from the ceiling.

As my good friend QT Librarian (that's Thunder Bay in airport codes) pointed out, I have been neglecting my blog lately. In my defense, it's mostly because I haven't had a day off work since mid-May and it's hard not to fall asleep the moment I walk into my apartment. But enough excuses, I am devoting my time and my typing skills tonight to the entertainment of all you out there who happen to give my blog a passing glance.

Where to start?! How about the airport? I have now been at the airport for a little over a month and I really love it. Sometimes I psych myself out when I think about being such a corporate drone and stuff, but I try to rationalize my career choice by reminding myself that I am not my job. But it's hard to give into "the brand" all the time. I worry that I'm losing my personality a little bit. No one I work with would actually recognize me out of uniform! That being said, I've met all sorts of interesting people, including 5 celebrities and 2 CFL teams. Not bad hey?!

I have a huge crush on one of my co-workers - which feels really lame and high-schoolish. One of the lesbians I work with (who has a crush on me) told me that my crush has a girlfriend. (Sigh.) We'll call my crush.... umm.... Vladimir. Yeah, Vladimir. So anyway I'm trying to convince myself that the above mentioned lesbian actually told me that Vladimir is taken just so said lesbian can take advantage of me with all of her lesbian trickery. Maybe Vladimir can be mine afterall!!! Yes. I get the lame award today. I totally got the shaft as far as scheduling goes in July - I'm working 6pm - 2am shifts, and Vlad works 5am starts - which sucks because now I won't get to stare at him all damn day. (Sigh again.)

So here's the final breakdown of the new job:
Pros:
- friendly co-workers (especially "Daryl the Stoner" who cracks me up)
- good looking boys like Vlad to stare at all day
- meet celebrities and good looking football players
- free Starbucks

Cons:
- traffic
- polyester uniforms
- ironing said polyester uniforms
- crappy schedules

Could go either way:
- the dorky cowboy hat I must wear until Stampede is over (well I don't actually HAVE to wear it, but I can win a vacation if I keep the damn thing on.)

Oh Vladimir.... sigh.

Ok - enough. Summer is finally here, and when I don't feel like drinking myself into a cold stupor (I'm not sure where this alcoholic attitude came from and why it's decided to show up now) I often feel like hibernating. But alas, it looks like it just might be time to go house hunting once again. I really wish they would just convert this building into condos already. I love it here, I'd be first in line for one. But no... they just milk their tennants for all their worth, meanwhile completely neglecting their landlord duties. For example, 2 weeks ago the hot water pipe in the apartment above me burst. Water leaked into my bathroom, the eating area, the den, and my bedroom. Has the landlord fixed the damaged ceiling yet? No. Clean the carpet? No. My apartment fucking reeks. Meanwhile, a month ago all tennants were given notices asking us to pull all of our belongings off our balconies so they could be rebuilt. I have been pulling my barbeque on and off the balcony everyday for the past month and still no balcony. The front of the building got theirs right away... what about us in the back. Of course, the front is the side the building "manager" lives in. Hmmm... convenient... The shitty thing is I really love where I live, and it's almost impossible to find an apartment that allows dogs. That's all the motivation I have to stay in this place right now! That and the fact that moving AGAIN seems so unappealing.

Alberta sets such a double standard for its residents. Sure there are jobs here, but no one can afford housing. Apartment buildings are being knocked down left, right, and center but no one can afford the condos being put in their place. There are no rent caps in place, and landlords can raise the rent - legally - 4 times a year if they so choose. (And most do.) Not including my year in Saskatoon, I have lived here for almost 6 years - and I have moved 7 times. I love it here, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to afford it much longer. Have you got the same frustrations? Write to your city alderman or member of parliament. If the city and province refuses to build more affordable housing, the least they could do is put a cap on rent increases. Otherwise I can't help but think that the mass exodus of people headed west is going end very soon.

There. I've gotten my lame-o job/crush/soapbox portions out of the way. Now I will move on to the shits and giggles part of the evening.

Years of research has led me to finally conclude that my ideal mate is a cross between Joe Strummer and Lloyd Dobbler. Vegetarians, hipsters, and sad-sacks need not apply. Must be taller than me and have very large hands. (Get your minds out of the gutter sickos - this merely serves an aesthetic purpose - I just want my big paws to look small in comparison.) Cannot be afraid of a girl with tattoos. Or baggage. And by baggage I mean a crochety old weiner dog who farts a lot. He won't like you. Because you are not me. Oh, and I suppose it wouldn't hurt if you really love girls with braces. Or more specifically, 24 year old girls with braces. Apply in person with resume and references!

Do you think my singleton status is because my standards are too high?! Ha ha! Come on people! If you've ever thought to yourself..."hmmm... you know who Autumn would get along with..." - ACT ON THOSE HUNCHES!!! This Rivers Cuomo things has got to end!!!