How I spent my summer vacation (Or, Autumn's Total Request Show-Down Hoedown)

When I was a kid, we had this electric tin opener in our kitchen. It was a terrifying contraption and I'm surprised none of us kids managed to lose any fingers on it. (Seeing as we got into A LOT of mischief. Exploding microwaves and the like.) Anyhoo... it was olive green and I'm pretty sure that my mum never tossed the old death trap because most likely it was a wedding gift and my mum is sentimental like that. When I moved out at 17, the first thing I bought for my new home was a handheld tin opener. To this day I am not completely sure how to use it. The chaos and destruction that our beloved olive green electrical tin opener caused was unlike anything I've ever seen! It would dig into the lid and then tear the top third of the tin clear off! Zoodles would be everywhere! It was miraculous on so many damaging levels.

I had never seen anything even remotely resembling our beloved tin opener, that is, until this past summer.

When driving on Calgary roads in the summer, it is safe to assume two things:
1. Winnebago drivers are morons.
2. Winnebago drivers with Saskatchewan plates are the biggest morons of all.

Most days of mine go by without any distraught phone calls from friends in fender benders. Most of my LIFE will pass me by before I receive another phone call from a friend who is stuck in a Winnebago underneath a bridge. The underpass beneath the Centre St. bridge is terrifying. And small. Even Smart Car drivers wonder whether they are too big to make it through. It is that small. And by gum, my friend Rus thought that a winnebago could make through. But it can't, and as god is my witness, it didn't. Rus is not the first Saskatchewonian to attempt this, and certainly not the last, but when I pulled up to - what? 3 firetrucks?! 2 paddy wagons?! I could have died laughing. Now I know karma will strike me down dead for laughing at Rus that day, but man, for once in my life it wasn't me. And god knows I am a HORRIBLE driver. So that time when I was 14 and somehow managed to drive that 12th grader's car ONTO a pole at Douglas Park? This was karma saying... "yes, Autumn. You might as well laugh. You're probably due. Rus does indeed look like an ass right now."

So this is where my electric tin opener story fits in. Because not only was that damn winnebago stuck under the bridge, but the air conditioning unit was torn clean off. Like a mangled tin of zoodles. By the time the fire department and city workers had gotten the winnebago out, we were gathering up pieces of air condioner casing from the roof and the road. It was a sad state of affairs. And neither I, nor Jenn (Rus' accomplice in this fiasco, natch), nor the firefighters, cops, or city workers could stop laughing. Or at the very least smirking, so Rus would not go all hulk-like and start beating us all with air conditioner bits and screaming "THIS IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!!!" (I'll be honest, the guy's a ball of rage. Jenn told me about their canoe trip 2 days later - he tried to "challenge" 2 little girls in another canoe. Totally crazy.)

Just kidding. Rus gets two thumbs up. He is crazy, but mostly because he thinks that riding a bike for 24 hours straight is a good idea. (Totally fucked in the head.) Anyhoo... in case you're wondering, karma got me back two days later when I fell down a hill and managed to get dirt in my underwear. Not quite the same thing, but the world does work in mysterious ways. If this was a radio show, Rus, I'd dedicate "Under the Bridge" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers to you.