Little Britain meets the Pet Shop Boys!

Kelsey - you gotta see this - the end is the best part!

Deep Thoughts... by Jack Handy

I think I would derive a deep sense of satisfaction if people were not only to post their wedding announcements in the paper, but notices of their divorces too. That way the newspaper clippings my mother keeps sending me wouldn't be so depressing.

This Week in Numbers

10 - amount (in hours) of time I spent at work on Saturday
15 - pages of typed instructions written knowing my boss will never use them
4 - mental breakdowns
0 - of which were mine
1 - retina scan
1 - body scan
4 - sets of fingerprints
3 - papers due
2 - of which were mine
2 - take home final exams
0 - amount (in minutes) that I have spent studying for my own final exams.
0.45454545.... - kilograms of choclolate covered pretzels that I have eaten today.
3 - nosebleeds that have lasted up to an hour (apparently I don't get ulcers....)
1 - barbeque that I meant to buy, but never got around to
10 - amount (in days) that I have inexplicably slept on an air mattress in my den rather than in my own bed.
1 - number of times I have considered resorting to alcoholism.

And what I have to look forward to... in numbers:
3 - days of garage sale fun
16 - hours of driving to and from Saskatchewan loaded up like the Beverly Hillbillies.
Priceless - the amount (in dollars) that I could make if I were an actual Ikea delivery service.
1 - flatulent weiner dog stinking up the truck for said 16 hours
7 - number of fortune cookies I will attempt to scam from the Chinese restaurant that my Grandpa has his heart set on visiting.
7 - number of fortune cookies I will eat in an attempt to ween myself off of chocolate covered pretzels.
2-4 - number of times my jaw will lock from grinding my teeth all week.
1 - trip to emergency room after falling off ladder while trying to remove Christmas lights from house during garage sale.

My mum says I'm racking up points for the afterlife. I see it more like collecting airmiles but never having enough to redeem it for anything.

I may be the only person from Saskatchewan who finds this amusing.

They forgot to include Wee-Too Beach, Saskatchewan

http://www.cbc.ca/mercerreport/video_player.html?cribbage_village

Balancing the World - One Autumn at a Time

Kelsey - you've heard this one before, but I thought it was such perfect blog fodder that I simply had to share it with the world.

The other day I was driving into Marda Loop and I'm following a giant, bright red Hummer. I don't like Hummers at the best of times - they remind me of those people who believe that global warming is a hoax (like the Holocaust -right?). Anyhoo... this bright red Hummer just happened to be promoting a local business - which is what most Hummers seem to do. The business in question? A Calgary area Feng Shui practitioner. You can hire them out to re-do your home or office. They had some woo-woo motto like "Balancing the World - One Home at a Time" - can you believe that?! I can't see how driving a Hummer around all day could possibly balance anything!!! It was a bizarre and bitter irony. Of course I followed the Hummer around for awhile because the devil on my shoulder wanted to leave a note as soon as they parked somewhere. But they didn't seem to be stopping any time soon and I just wanted to go home.

My baby shower experience was pretty non-eventful. I've learned 2 things:

1.) Baby showers are weird and boring.
2.) I have a dirty mind. What normal person giggles to themselves when middle-aged women shout out "Oh I love Pooh!" Of course they mean the bear, but the first thing I think of is that said middle-aged women have scatological fetishes. You'd think my name was Beavis. Or Butthead. Perhaps this explains why it'll be a long time coming before I ever have a baby shower of my own. (Can you imagine?!)

I.B.S. (Irritable Bastard Saturday)

All of you out there in blog land would be so proud of me. I've actually left the house three weekends in a row now! Can you believe it?! Last night I ventured out to Ming for Buddhas with the cantankerous Kelsey. Aside from all the Flames fans taking up all the parking spaces, it was a very engaging evening. Lots of interesting people to watch and one hell of a hamburger. Afterwards my cousin called me up on a whim to go see "The Benchwarmers" which was so funny that I almost choked on my popcorn - twice. I don't think I stopped laughing for the entire movie. I know, I know.... most people think those movies are stupid - but it's about baseball (which I love) and it has that silly guy from Napoleon Dynamite in it. Besides, it's one of those weeks where my brain is starting to resemble the fried egg that resembles a brain on drugs - and it's only going to get worse from here. Go see it if you're bored. It was funnier than Old School.

I am at work right now and having one of those days where customers annoy the shit outta me. Must I hear every one of their life stories?! I went upstairs to hide out at the special orders desk, but my solace was short lived. Right now there is a guy wandering around - looks pretty normal - except that he's talking to himself. At least he's not humming - I think the sound of someone humming would send me right over the edge.

This afternoon I am taking a long haul out to DeWinton for Candice's baby shower. I never fit in at her shindigs - I'm the persistently single one with no money - but I love Candice and Sean and they keep calling me "Aunti Autumn" which I am a sucker for, so of course I have to go. Besides, I've picked out the best baby shower gift ever. I'll show those hoity-toity's. (I'm feeling obscenely competitive this week - not sure why.)

Oh yeah - go out and get the "Show Your Bones" cd by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's really good. More make out music to stockpile for the day that I am no longer single. Just kidding.

Worth the full price of admission!

Go see The Inside Man now!
You as a person are expendable.
Your rights are expendable too.
This was the best bank heist film I've seen since Dog Day Afternoon.
(Which oddly enough is referenced several times throughout The Inside Man.)
Go now!
P.S. I Heart Clive Owen.