Nevermind, we'll just call the whole thing off.

Here's my horoscope for the week from the Onion:

While fun and entertaining at first, next week's indoor barbeque will quickly and permanently die down at around the 20 minute mark.

Ouch.

A little something I forgot to mention just now...

Ping pong. Surprisingly enjoyable "sport". I like ping pong. I don't own a table or anything, but I'd choose ping pong over billiards if I had to. I even came in 2nd place in an elementary school ping pong tournament. (Thus living up to my Forrest Gump tag.)
However, get yourself a goddamn life if you feel the need to set up a ping pong table on your deck and then proceed to play one everlasting round robin tournament with YOUR ROOMMATE - morning, noon, and night.
I think having a ping pong table would be a great way to liven up a barbeque - invite a few friends over, have a campfire, play some pingpong... but constantly palying just one opponent... for three days straight?! It's weird. For god's sake at least make it interesting, would ya?!
Anyone up for strip ping pong?!

That is all.

JUST THE LORD!

What a silly day today is. I was really hoping that it would rain today, if only to stop the dust from constantly blowing into my apartment, thus settling the bronchial rattling in my lungs. Maybe even the wheezing noise I am making would briefly pause. But no, it didn't rain, I still live by a dirt-filled construction site, in a hot little apartment with no air conditioning, where I keep the windows open all day and night, and the wheezing and death-rattling are still going strong.

I told Kelsey this story earlier today, but I'm still fond of the story, so I'll share it with the world. This morning I was working at the bookstore and a woman walks in and asks me why all of the pay phones have been ripped out of their booths in Kensington. Seeing as I generally take pay phones for granted, I neither knew nor cared what the answer to her question was. So I told her she should ask the person who ripped the phones out of the phone booths. She said she found it odd, and then left the store. So she didn't actually visit the store to buy books, no, she merely needed to ask me why the phones were ripped out. Because of course I would know. Especially since last night, in a sudden antibiotic-induced rage, I went and ripped out every pay phone in Kensington. I did this just so all those peons without cell phones would be lost and confused and forced to wander the earth in search of the last, great pay phone.
So I suppose it's a good thing she asked.

Also today in the store, I had a husband and wife in looking for books for their 12 year old son, who they described as "not a normal boy" and "not a brilliant boy" - so in 10 years time we will all know exactly who is up in the bell tower. Poor guy. He wasn't even there to defend himself. Then they said they wished he were a girl because then they could just get him Anne of Green Gables and be done with it. In the end they settled on a children's series by Rhea Perlman that is geared towards kids aged 7 and are learning to read their first "chapter books". Sweet Jesus. The boy is DOOMED. Parents make me cringe some days.

Anyhoo... I am traveling by train for the very first time on Thursday - from Los Angeles to San Diego. And I am THRILLED!!! I feel like Harry Potter!!! (I'll be the dork at Union Station walking into walls.) Right now I am reading an advanced reader's copy of Him Her Him Again The End of Him by Patricia Marx. It's a pretty silly little book, but it's got a blurb from Steve Martin o it, so it can't be all bad. I was just reading and thinking about going on a train when I came across this passage:

'... as I was staring at a page in a book I would never get to the next page in, I heard the door of my compartment slide open. "Anyone sitting here?" a male voice asked. I was ready with my usual answer, one that never failed to repel potential seat-takers. "JUST THE LORD!" I said - no, chirped.

"Would have reckoned He'd be in a first-class car, no?" the voice said.'

Dude! I am SO using that on my Amtrak journey!!! That's the best line I've read in ages! Oh hoo! Now I'm hacking again from laughing too hard.

That's all for today... 5 more sleeps until my quarter century... ta ta!

Like a love letter to a stranger.

Well I must say, the past 10 days have simply been a whirlwind. A whirlwind. Jazz the Amazing Wonder Weiner Dog went on vacation, so I was left to my own devices for the past few weeks. What can I say? Jazz needed to get out of the apartment and out to the beach. The cabin is like his fat camp. Seeing as I was now alone and bewildered, I actually ventured out of my apartment and into something at the very least resembling a social life.

The Stamps/Riders game was pure, drunken debauchery. I got suckered into a blind date that day when I couldn't find anyone to give my spare ticket to. Nice enough guy, but perhaps a Rider game (a losing Rider game) is not the best place for me to make a good first impression. I am a loud, obnoxious Rider fan.
Clincher of the date: I'm not that bothered by the fact that he didn't offer to pay for the ticket, but the least he could have done would be to buy me a drink for Chrissakes.

Anyhoo... to summarize: karma ended, Riders lost, shout out to QT in green wig, streaker ran more yards than visiting team, prostitutes in crowd (maybe this is how the Stamps subsidize their budget?), tailgaters with meat slicer, Autumn drowns sorrows on her own dime. (And DAMN Stamps games are dull.)

Two days later I hopped aboard the biggest, laziest raft on the river and went floating for 7 hours. Although dinghys were passing us at full speed, we were the Caddy of the River. We managed to fit 7 people, 7 life jackets, 3 coolers, and 3 knapsacks on board this baby. It was an awesome way to spend the day. Only downer was meeting a cute pilot who I have tons in common with, only to be dropped like yesterdays drawers upon being introduced to the only flight attendant on board. They then proceeded to talk about flight pairings ALL DAMN DAY and then well into the evening. He was even British. (Sigh.) Blind date tagged along. Still no drink forthcoming from the guy.

The next day I wobbled into work at 4:45am, made it through my shift and then was on the road to sunny Saskatchewan. Again. But wait, you may be asking, why would you drive when you work for an airline?! Why, only to make the semi-annual IKEA delivery journey, of course! (These trips simply cannot go on. For starters, my apartment looks like an IKEA warehouse for months on end, and one of these days I am going to give myself a hernia loading all that crap into the truck. That, and I'm not even on the payroll.) Got to tour Mum's charming new abode - which will be a great place for her and the sis to settle into once they are all unpacked.

I find being home really stressful - 4:45am shifts are very dull in comparison to the work that is involved with being back in my hometown. So it was very fortuitous that my long-lost pal, Jenn was able to meet up for dinner one of the nights I was home. Jenn and I played ball together growing up - she's hysterical. I'm pretty sure she's the one who gave me the nickname 'Forrest Gump'. Totally warped mind - god love her. Her boyfriend, Russ joined us for dinner - he gets two thumbs up from me. (This from the girl who doesn't like anyone's significant others.) Russ even has the good sense to hardly cringe at all at the possibility of bringing up bodily functions at the dinner table - even if they involve corn, carrots, and peas. Good on ya Russ! I'm so stoked that both Jenn and Russ are coming out to Canmore this week - there is literally nothing better in this world than being around the people who know and love that you're just a silly asshole most of the time.

The remaining highlights of my short jaunt home would have to be visiting with Jenn's parents and touring the Casino Regina. The thing's been there for years, but I've never ever been inside. I now know that Satan cannot possibly be coming for my soul.

I wrote a really lovely haiku the other day on my way to work. I was going to post it on Haikus from Hell, but of course now I can't find the damn thing. I'll have to go digging through my recycling bin now. In other literary news I have just finished two fantastic books - the best reads of my summer so far. The first was "The Stolen Child" by Keith Donohue, which is a contemporary changeling tale. It was so calm and eerie, it absolutely terrified me - but not in a scary movie sort of way. More like when your imagination runs away with you as a child, and you make yourself believe all of the crazy shit in your brain is true. It was phenomenal. I literally just finished "Black Swan Green" by David Mitchell - which is about a 13 year old boy growing up in Britain in 1982. This is absolutely nothing like David Mitchell's other novels - except that it is so fucking well written. There is something heartbreaking about the naivete of Jason (the main character) his emphatic trust in Margaret Thatcher, in the media, and yet his absolute distrust in all that affects him personally - his distrust in himself. I have no idea what to read next because I've just been so blown away by these two novels.

No big plans for this week - Mum's visiting and I hope to get out to Canmore for a day or two. Karma must be paying me back for the crap Rider games lately - I actually won a white-water rafting trip from fastforward! How cool is that?! I've always wanted to go white-water rafting! In fact, I was just saying that the other day - to pretty much anyone who was willing to listen! I'm so excited I just want to go right this minute! I don't know if I'd be able to wait until next summer!

I'd love to hear ya'll's suggestions as to what I should read next - I'm at a literary impasse. I've been listening to a lot of Depeche Mode lately - maybe follow that vein? Thoughts? Recommendations? Requests for me to quit yaking and get off my "damn literary high horse"?!

Can I get a HALLELUIAH?!?!

Dear Saskatchewan Roughriders,
You have come through for me this week when I needed you the most.
First came your karmic victory over the Stampeders (which I need you to follow up on tomorrow, natch.)
Now you (and my grandmother who gave me her season ticket password) have come through and gotten me tickets to the second (although first in chronological order) Rolling Stones concert at Mosaic Stadium.
God bless you Saskatchewan Roughriders.
Your loving fan,
The Dharma Bum
P.S. I will be sitting amongst a sea of Stampeders season ticket holders tomorrow, so please don't make me look like an ass in my Riders jersey. Much obliged.

So there you have it folks, Autumn's Ultimate Week of Rock is a go!!! We'll start off the week with a little Bad Religion, some Pennywise and Ignite, and throw in a pinch of Rancid for good measure. And that's just the warm up! Friday night - the Who, Saturday - the Rolling Stones. The moment I hear Baba O'Riley and You Can't Always Get What You Want I will officially be able to die. And then I will wait until all of the Clash join me in Heaven where they will be hosting the official Clash reunion tour - not to mention Autumn's Ultimate Eternity of Rock!
The t-shirts are being made as we speak! I'm never going to wear another shirt again!!!